The Maggot Diaries
Diary Three: The Chiapas Dig According to Ike
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Another frivolous Motion Gig [gif] by Ace
Readers of the Maggot Diaries designated as
non-insiders may have experienced some degree
of confusion about the number and the identity
of persons associated with this criminal literary
enterprise. A case in point follows. Dotty's
Diary [One] persistently mentions a gentleman's
companion with the unlikely moniker Ugh Toad.
[Ugh said this, Ugh did that, Ugh didn't do what
I thought he should do, etc.] But Diary Two
contains references to someone called Ace who
was clearly a member of the ill-fated and
scabrous crew before Ike arrived.  
Ugh Toad and midget, his Evil Twin
To clear up this insignificant genealogical confusion (which my intimate readership has come to expect) I have taken great pains throughout this
narrative to carefully distinguish who is who and who is which. A cursory examination of the campsite photo above should eliminate the source of
any outsider confusion which persists. As you can see, two scroungy figures appear in the foreground both dressed alike. The taller of the two is the
notorious couch potato Ugh Toad, artist, satirist, raconteur, agent provocateur, etc. Beside him, the squaty little twerp, is Ace, infamous side-kick of
Ike and ring leader of a notorious Van Nuys bean dip cartel given to the promotion of farting contests and other unseemly behavior. Ace is also the
party's resident computer nerd, second string photographer, general fuck up, and scrounge. Off in the distance you can see just make out Dotty, bent
over, examining the stool he has deposited that morning which Ace and Ugh have backed away from to avoid the smell.
Editor's note: Other complaints about confusion revolve mostly around the authors' use of archaic words, bizarre concatenations of phrasing, cant,
bombastic remarks, obtuse and inappropriate references, scatological allusions and seemingly irrelevant content, to name just a few. While the authors
make no apologies for these behaviors, Ike has consented to explain certain guidelines
and an example or two which 'baffled outsiders' can examine in
order to exculpate themselves from the consequences of their near sighted and intellectual doormat observations. Consider then the following phrase
which has been strongly objected to by philosophy majors in general and other decadent squirds [the notion of squid, squirrels and birds combined]:
Example 2: "epistemological tick tactics."  One reader wrote, "What, for goodness sake, is this supposed to mean?"

Ike's reply:  Let's break it all down, shall we? First and foremost, is there anyone out there who claims not to understand the reference for 'pis'
because if there is, nobody here is going to want to deal with it. Now, as we all do this every day, surely we can agree that there is a great deal of
variation incorporated into the activity. Yet, here we are concerned primarily with 'e-pis' as opposed to a-,b-,c-, or d-pis, for obviously. B-pis,
however, is another thing entirely. You see, the B- stands for the copulative verb 'to be' as it is expressed in its infinitive form. Literally then, B-pis
implies you have pissed upon yourself and thus you might as well
be piss. This condition is unfortunately likely to occur if you try urinating into the
wind. Next comes c-pis, which is fairly obvious because it's the piss you can see, except if you're pissing after dark, d-pis. D-pis, however (spelled
with a capital letter) is another matter entirely and we simply do not have either the space or the time to explore the full range of associations,
evocations, implications and explanations involved. Which brings us to e-pis, the type of piss you just feel generally good about. [Those of you who
do not suffer as Ike does from an inflamed and swollen prostate have no idea how grateful one can become just to be able to take an e-pis.] Thus we
arrive at a clear definition of the term 'epistemology' (knowledge of, or the formal study of piss). Finally, it behooves us to tack on the rest of the
phrase "tick tactics." Given what we have already learned it seems a minor stretch of our imagination to arrive at the definition: "epistemological tick
tactics" means "the artful-strategy, including all the angles and maneuvers, associated with pissing on ticks."    
Where we left off:
The careful reader will recall that, according to Ace, Dotty's
subconscious revealed he had been bitten by a black legged tick, a carrier
of the notoriously virulent Tangerine disease. This fact was corroborated
on the back of a postcard Ace received from Dotty via the auspices of
Ace's galactic email service provider. Naturally, the disease progressed
along the predictable path until Dotty's Ka (now metallic blue) descended
into the last supper for the final cleansing [I believe I got all of that right,
wouldn't you say, Ace?] . This unfortunate turn of events was witnessed
by eel-beast, who had squatted upon what was left of Dotty's cranium
after Hannibal Lector had performed his autopsy. Which brings us, I
believe, to what happened Dotty's wind dream at the Aiken's
The Resurrection of Dotty:
The miraculous discoveries wrought by adepts (Ace) of Ejective Trance
Technology [ETT] have led to spellbinding speculation concerning the
human soul and its peregrinations in the afterlife. Philosophers and
religious figures throughout history and in numerous cultures as well
have advanced the proposition that souls are reincarnated, we have all
lived before, will live again, and that death is merely a temporary
transient state. The miraculous discoveries wrought by adepts (Ace) of
Ejective Trance have advanced the proposition that souls are
reincarnated, we have all lived before, will live again, and that death is
merely a temporary transient state.  Thus, one contemporary ETT line
of enquiry is, can we remember anything at all about our past lives?
According to Ace, the answer is a definitive yes! Why? Consider the
next image which emerged out of the black tar of Dotty's tobacco
stained nasopharynx.* Here we see "Dotty reborn as Zum-far-t, wind
god of the underworld [Xibalba] punishing an Osprey by making it carry
the remains of his former bony self to a drift wood heap while wearing
the face of a parrot." [ibid., "Memoirs of Ace...," Chap. 22, pg. 6.]
Tuesday, May 25, 2010, 12:44 PM
Email sent from E. Ike's Chiapas Operational Headquarters  to Ace at Van Nuys Dip and Chip  
Ace, get a load of this Zoque wall mural discovered last week. It
appears to depict the Ka of the wind god Zum-far-t surfing the
divine waters of the underworld on the back of a squid board... And
evidence of death precipitated by black legged tick borne Tangerine
disease is readily apparent. While it will be necessary to present a
thorough recapitulation of your ETT log from Diary Two, to
acquaint the professional world with the relevant details, it must be
declared that the number of coincidences presented by this depiction
seems highly improbable (The Kraken surfing on the shadow of the
Yeti looked a lot like a squid to me!) And if that is not convincing
enough for you, how would you explain the odd coincidences
presente in the next mural?
Check out the delicate detail etched and painted on a funerary urn
found in the tomb of Ka-Ikeus-Pok-us, Zoque Lord of the founding
Dynasty.  Isn't this a stunning rendering of Xum-far-t with an
elaborate plumed train decorated with penetrating blue eyes identical
to Dotty's? See how the eyes are surrounded by a pattern of
precisely sized blue dots? A glyph in the lower right corner identifies
the artist who painted the mural as a member of the stick people
among whom, it is presumed, Xum-far-t lived and ruled for a brief
period of time. As Dotty is the world's finest dot painter and his
reputation for exquisite and astonishingly precise works of art is
absolutely beyond repute,  and there is no possibility that Dotty could
have been exposed to this material ever before, it seems we may
have stumbled upon evidence to support your latest ETT line of
Even the casual reader should recall that Ace was employing a varient method of ETT known as the Vulcan mind probe, named after a character
played by Leonard Nemoy in the TV series "Star Trek." A finger is inserted in the probee's nose by the prober to initiate the procedure, sometimes
referred to in the popular press as a nasopharyngial twitter. The insertion is essential because all ETT investigations require the prober to make contact
with the probee's essential body fluids in order to establish a link...
Editor's note: Given these recapitulated remarks, it is of critical importance at this juncture to examine a series of emails which passed between the
parties involved in order to establish the sequence of events (chronology) subsequent to the pilgrimage itself.  Dotty's Diary recorded the trip events
from Day 1 (May 1, 2010) to Day 7.  Dotty's wind dreaming (monitored by Ace and including the ETT Nasopharyngial Twitter Probe) took place on
the second night [May 2], the same night that Ike arrived at the Aiken's campsite (with the beer he had been requested to supply). Day 3 was the only
day Ike spent with the group, since he was obligated as director of an archaeological dig in Chiapas, Mexico, to begin operations there on the tenth of
May.  Furthermore, it was not until the 25th of May that the first of a series of remarkable murals was discovered in the foyer of the Zoque Elders
Palace in Chiapas. It is precisely this archaeological evidence unearthed among the ruins of the Mixe-Zoque people that will now be brought to bear
upon the critical question of whether Dotty had recalled details about a former life.      
Tuesday, May 25, 2010, 1:23 PM
Re: Xum-far-t

Ike, fascinating stuff indeed. I've been thumbing through the journals and
according to recent discoveries Dotty's bizarre subconscious
transformations may have been prophesied in hieroglyphs by the ancient
Egyptians. The attached wall mural from Luxor describes wind rituals
similar in content to the filthy, homoerotic images which emerged from
Dotty's subconscious...
Cordially, Ace
Tuesday, May 25, 2010, 4:32 PM
A nice piece of research...your penetrating efforts will no doubt
soon bear fruit as it seems you have established a prominent
connection between the attached Zoque mural and the Luxor stuff.
As you can see, Xum-far-t is rendered in both his ancient Egyptian
and his classical Zoque form in the presence of the Fish Goddess,
Choc-Xum-Chal-Mool, who appears to be inviting Xum-far-t to
participate in some erotic Mixe-Zoque wind ritual about which
everyone on the team here has become intensely curious. Little of
the associated glyphs have been translated yet, except for the fact
that the goddess is asking Xum-far-t to solve a riddle: "What smells
like raw fish but feels like a hairy clam?"  
Best regards to you and yours, Ike
Wednesday, May 26, 2010, 8:08 AM
The shit is really hitting the fan around here about the Dotty/Xun-far-t
connection. Early today, the British museum reported that a little-known Assyrian
relief, long thought to be a nineteenth century forgery, or a cheap knock-off of
earlier Egyptian propaganda statuary, now appears to confirm that the Xum-far-t
prophecy was prevalent throughout the ancient world. The question now is, how
was the deity celebrated?  An examination of the pigments used to decorate the
crown proved to be the deciding factor in establishing the authenticity of the
piece. Assyrian period paints contained human urine as an  ingredient to preserve
the life of vegetable pigments employed to achieve various color combinations.
Spectral analysis of the paint on the relief demonstrated beyond the shadow of a
doubt that traces of human piss were present.
Ace, over and out, but into my element...  
Wednesday, may 26, 2010, 9:45 AM
Subject: More of the Zoque Mural Complex

Fascinating stuff you are reporting, there's no doubt about it. As to the way or
manner in which the deity was celebrated, we may have the clues you need to
proceed.  The South Portal of the Zoque Elder's Palace, known as the Birthing
Portal, was apparently reserved primarily for the use of the Ladies of the Zoque
Court. A prominent panel serving as part of the mural complex there (see photo at
left) shows the Fish Goddess breaking wind in Xum-far-t's direction while
simultaneously administering instruction in aroma therapy and sushi consciousness.  
The significance of the crab (lower right corner) being swallowed up by a sea
anemone remains a mystery, however.

Are you making any progress with the effort to interpret Dotty's wind dreams? By
the way, have you noticed the resemblance between the mask worn by the Fish
Goddess and the blue moray which appeared out of the surf in the wind dream
image showing Dotty standing on the beach? The coincidence seems striking to say
the least.

Ike, willing but too old to be ready
Thu, June 3, 2010 11:36:11 AM
South Portal of Zoque Elders Palace

Progress at the Chiapas dig has led to fascinating revelations about the Wind God
Xum-far-t's movements through the underworld.  It seems diplomatic circumstances
in Xibalba at the time obligated him to experience a series of trials which we are only
now beginning to understand and appreciate. Apparently there were a total of eleven
trials, counting Xum-far-t's escape from the clutches of Chac-Xum-Chal-Mool, the
Fish Goddess . Each trial was represented by a glyph such as the two you see here.
Any light you could shed upon the complicated task of decipherment would be greatly

Just thought you might be interested,
Cordially, Ike
Mon, June 7, 2010 2:01:01 PM
Re: Images from the South Portal of Zoque Elders Palace

Clearly what you have there are two representatives of 'The Fellatia'.  With their voluptuous bodies and monstrous heads they were irresistible
purveyors of penilingus par excellence, the most exquisite blow jobs ever conceived by the mysterious mind of womankind.  Each was noted for her
particular speciality but the ultimate aim of all was to suck the brains out through the prick.  The remaining zombie-like hulks were sliced up, the
pieces were dipped into a sauce made from the brains, and were consumed on ritual occasions in which the Fellatia regaled one another with hilarious
tales exemplifying the frailty and stupidity of men.  Their preferred prey were travelers camped in remote areas that they lured not only with their
physical charms but with the smell of fresh fried fish and the promise of breast milk for their cocoa concoctions.  In some accounts they are said to
be descendants of sirens while others maintain that their origins can be attributed to the unholy conjunction of the masturbatory jism of old geezers
and the first menstrual blood of young virgins.  The numbers and names of the group vary from one story to another.  Most  scholars believe they are
mythic and never actually existed.  The intrepid trapper and cock hound,  Coyote Ty-ger, however, has been claiming for years that he has had
numerous personal encounters with assorted Fellatia and yet has emerged unscathed from their supramundane licking and sucking.  Noted for his
indiscriminate pledge to every woman he encounters, (i.e.," I'd eat a mile of your shit to see where it came from") it is generally conceded that his
lack of a true brain has ensured a natural immunity.  The unprecedented  photographic evidence you provide should open new lines of enquiry into the
intriguing possibility that these crypto-fantasy prototypes are still amongst us.
Best wishes,
Tuesday, June 8, 2010, 4:03 PM
unpurposed coincidental coincidence

Remember the large piece of smooth black slate covered with tar, recently uncovered by
your field workers at the dig? You sent it to me for a stepping stone as a memento of the
hairy tar balls we found on the beach at Peter's Point? Well,  I took it into my studio for a
more practical purpose, to cover the floor of my porta-shower. A few days later, while
enjoying my usual weekly golden spatter from a local lovely, some of her piss dribbled on
to the slate under my back, and having also recently ingested two large bean burritos, I was
so stimulated that I cracked off a few boisterous farts. I guess the pressure of the
exploding gas combined with the piss on the slate melted a portion of the tar between my
legs.  To make a long story short, these proved to be the preternatural ingredients needed to
reveal the faint remains of what appears to be the sacred esoteric wind theory codex of
Xum-far-t.  I have begun restoration, decipherment and translation.  A snap of preliminary
results with most of the tar removed is attached. Will be in touch as further developments

As always, Dotty
Wed, June 9, 2010 3:35:06 PM
Re: unpurposed coincidental coincidence

Yes, your discovery and the novelty of the method you employed are unforgettably fortuitous indeed. It's always nice to combine a little pleasure with
a little monkey business. But the lines do seem to be a bit blurry there (not between which was work and which was pleasure) in the codex. Perhaps
if you were to blow dry the surface a little bit more (if you know what I mean), it might be a trifle more legible? Or perhaps another photo could be
taken under less damp and rigorous circumstances. Or is this a case (as is often the case in my own case) where the more you piss and fart around
with it the more incredibly unreadable  it becomes?
Tue, June 8, 2010 12:39:34 PM
digging it up progress report

Although I suspected it all along, you conjecture with respect to the Fellatia cult was certainly warmly received around here. It is comforting to have a
second opinion corroborate our suppositions. I have no doubt that your scholarly reputation, vast experience and exposure to such matters (in various
anthropological circles and journals) will provide a hefty counterweight to the ill-informed and poorly trained who have had the audacity to doubt the
veracity of the dig we're all really committed to digging.  The deeper we go the more mysterious and mind boggling things seem to get, and it is a
comfort to feel that one is not sticking one's professional dick too far out. In any case, it seems abundantly clear that the Zoque Elders designated the
south portal as the birthing canal (given all the carnal imagery) whereas the north portal is said to have been the channel for communications between
the God's (via the revered speaker) and the Zoque peoples. As we prepare that area for excavation I'm sure you will be as curious as are we to
discover the true nature of the Zoque cosmological gestalt. Until then, we must be patient, restrained and imbued with the hope that we will not be
disappointed at the outcome [given the previous input]. In closing, I have attached a current photo of the Palace grounds and the Estatura
MixeZoque-Olmeca, the two curious colossal stone statues which grace the revered speaker's podium leading up to the North Portal.

Again, thanks ever so much for your input,
Wed, June 9, 2010 4:12:01 PM
penetration and glyph cipher progress

Attachments: 2 Files:   ZoquePalace.jpg (125KB); slickglyphic.jpg (175KB)

We are now attempting to find the passageway we know leads to the Zoque Elder's
throne room which lies somewhere below the north portal. We suspect it may have been
hidden near the colossal penis which looms behind the stone monolith of Huemac the
Slack (see photos),  so-called guardian of the hidden entrance to the north portal.  Any
minute now we expect to receive permission from the Mexican authorities from the
Museo Anthropologica to explore this gigantic erection. Once inside the passage we hope
to corroborate all the historical rumors about the Penis Cult of the Zoque Warrior Orders.
Please do keep us informed of your own efforts on the wind codex as we have also
observed new clues and evidence to suggest Xum-far-t was an influential participant in
Zoque sanctified religious, ceremonial, and reproductive activities.
Yours truly, Ike
Partial view of the Palace of the Zoque
Elders facing east toward the rising
sun,  and the monolithic penis to the
north. Also, what remains of the statue
of Huemac the Slack, now headless
due to sloppy efforts by looters to
remove it for sale on the clandestine
antiquities market...
Thursday, June 10, 2010, 2:08 PM
Re: penetration...

I suggest you be sure to be far removed when they begin digging under that phallus. Underneath, of course, is an asshole which is surely
booby-trapped with the most virulent flatulence ever conceived. If I remember the curse correctly it is known as 'The Odoriferous Reek of a
Thousand Scent Stabs." Just a warning!
Friday, June 11, 2010, 11:10 AM
'success at last'

You were right all along; we were simply looking in the wrong place for the
entrance to the inner sanctum of the Penis Cult of the Zoque warrior classes.  It
seems so obvious now, but I suppose we were blindsided by the scope of Zoque
architecture.  As you can see from the photo, the portal was right there in plain
view all the while.  What we assumed was merely a convenient shit hole for the
indigenous employees turned out to be the remains of an ancient lava tube (still
plugged) which led directly down into a vestibule below the palace itself.  It was an
extraordinary experience to enter the tube to say the least. Of the many wonders we
have since discovered, I must remain mute for the time being, but you will be as
amazed as were we to learn who was buried in the foyer leading to the Elders
Grotto. Undoubtedly you will be inclined to agree, as have I, that the coincidences
just continue to pile up. You can't imagine how thrilled the team is to have
penetrated finally into the very heart as it were of the matter...
Artifacts of an Ancient Civilization Pose Serious Questions for Research
by E. Ike, Director, Chiapas Dig
extracted from
Journal for Post-Modern Digs, vol. 7, no. 4, September 2010
After the creeping jungle and underbrush were successfully
removed, timely excavations over the past year have resulted
in discoveries which are not only artistically unprecedented,
but bear witness to an ancient historical and cultural
significance which continues to astonish the staid community
of international anthro-apologists.

Although non-reproductive sex has always undoubtedly played
an important role in the lives of humans, perhaps no culture
has exercised this aspect of human behavior more than the
Mixe-Zoque, a brash and confident collection of tribes and
communities in south central Mexico thought to have evolved
from the ruins of the Olmec civilization.  Some sense of the
role sex played in Xoque culture can be gleaned from the
Olmec influenced statuary you see below.  Positioned before
the entrance to the south portal of the palace, it was from this
platform that the Xoque Lords delivered their edicts, rules and
laws to the assembled citizens of what must have been an
extraordinary city state.
Squatting upon its immemorial foundation of giant limestone blocks, the notorious Palace of the Zoque Elders rises six stories above the surrounding
countryside, dominated only by the toweringly erect stone phallus which has attracted as well as baffled tourists since its discovery in 2009.
Now considered to be representative of the august authority that Xoque Lords
exercised over the indigenous population, this tableau depicts a Lady of the Court
being commanded to fill her basket with rare red mushrooms grown in the
surrounding forest.  As you can see, Xoque cultural iconography is replete with
bold and uninhibited displays of sexual fecundity, prowess and power.  From
religious offerings to tableware, dress and architecture, the erect male penis is
imbued with political, religious and socio-economic significance. To the Zoque, the
bigger the dick, the greater the worth of the individual, the higher his status, social
standing, authority to govern and obligation to reproduce. In fact fatherhood was
forbidden to any male who failed to meet this standard, although he was expected
to participate in a host of pubic ceremonies and rites by which the Zoque paid
reverence to their gods.     
Stunning Portrait of a Lost Civilization is Revealed in Recent Discoveries
Preserved for 3500 years in a sealed chamber below the foundation of the
Palace of the Elders rests the seven ton granite sculpture of the Revered
Speaker Lord K' Ikeus Pokus on his throne in the vestibule surrounded by
colossal images representing his enormous influence and power

To his immediate right sits a three dimensional stone glyph of Balam
Koc,his paternal grandfather, great king of the Stone People, whose sixty
year reign initiated the conquest and assimilation of local indigenous tribes
and the subsequent deployment of huge labor forces for the construction of
temples, palaces, canals and other cosmopolitan edifices.

Painted upon the lavishly stuccoed wall of the throne room above the visage
of Lord K is the scowling portrait of Ornery Jaguar Dick, first lord of the
Cult of the Penis Warrior, prowling the perimeter in search of appropriate
female prey.

The palace dwarf  Lord T-'odd stands guard near the illuminated entrance
portal while Lordly Xum-far-t, Wind God of the Underworld, sheds his
breath of the life upon the image of Filth Eater, First Lady of the Fellatia,
the cult of the palace courtesans.

Perched upon a scribe's tablet in Lord K's lap  is an exquisite delicately
flaked flint sculpture of Armed Scorpion Shank, personal historian and
scribe to the Revered Speaker himself.

A clever use of pigments on the neck of Lord K causes it to blend in with
the painted wall behind the figure, making it appear as if  his scowling face
is literally floating on air.   

[Kingdom Jewel of the Sacred Penis, the first Zoque city state]
Murals on the South Wall of the Throne Room

One day, in the Kingdom of Sacred Penis Mountain,
the venerable warrior Ornery Jaguar Dog went for a
stroll in the forest surrounding his estate known as
Bat House.  Accompanying him was his life long
companion, Armed Scorpion Shank, official scribe
to Lord K' Ikeus-Pokus, the greatest Lord of that
domain. Now it chanced to pass on that fateful
meander that Ornery Jaguar Dog [OJD] spied a
large blue snake devouring what appeared to be a
delicious toad for dinner. His appetite stimulated by
this culinary event, Ornery Jaguar Dog caught the
scent of another smelly toad just ahead which he
stalked and consumed in spite of Armed Scorpion
Shank’s warning that the skins of colorful toads
were usually highly poisonous. Now, some time
thereafter, Ornery Jaguar Dog’s penis began to
swell a bright red, and he experienced a series of
painful intestinal cramps.
Zoque Lords commissioned a wide range of historical information about themselves, their family genealogies, military conquests, love affairs and
other topics to be displayed in clever and colorfully painted wall murals. A few especially talented scribes and technically adept artisans became
themselves great Lords as a result of the beneficence showered upon them for their accomplishments. As the recipients of great wealth, estates,
concubines, and slaves, these Zoque artists, writers and intellectuals competed among themselves for the opportunity of engaging their talents in the
decoration of public buildings, palaces and government walls. Perhaps the most accomplished of these gifted artists was the Mixe-Zoque midget Lord
T 'odd, whose formal tribal name was B'ugh Jaguar Snout. So clever were his conjunctive post-glyphic amalgamations that Balam Koc had him raised
to the highest degree of  respect, honor and munificence. The murals here [both by BJS] praise the unprecedented accomplishments of a Zoque
Warrior, Ornery Jaguar Dog, whose discoveries and contributions to the evolution of civil society drew him to the attention and gratitude of the 3rd
Revered Speaker, the illustrious Lord K himself.     
Finally, out of his ass there came an explosion of the foulest of farts followed by a stream of runny shit that reeked of toad guano, and that runny shit
pile eventually became a breeding swamp for all manner of useless amphibians including Soggy B-ugh and his evil brother, B'-T-od.  [But that is
another story entirely] And that is why Ornery Jaguar Dog's name was changed by royal decree to Ornery Jaguar Dick.  
Thus Ornery Jaguar Dick retraced his steps, and over a journey of some 15 months came to the land of the Stone People ruled over by the Balam but
he obtained no help whatsoever for his medical problems. However, the Balam Koc-pik did corroborate the rumor that great thunderous farts had
been heard emanating from the lands to the south. Thanking the Balam for his generous hospitality, four months later to the day, Ornery Jaguar Dick
reached the domain of the Stick People and was escorted into the presence of the illustrious God of the Winds Xum-far-t himself. Steeped as he was
in the wisdom of the blown penis as a result of many trials, love affairs, and the resulting tribulations, Xum-far-t was quick to recognize the medical
condition of his illustrious guest. And he knew exactly what to prescribe for it if Ornery Jaguar Dick would provide him with access to some prime
“fish goddess.” You see, in the land of the stick people there grew a notorious plant called the 'ong doc suk' or Devil’s Penis. It was a rare mushroom
but fed to a human woman it produced a most unusual effect. She developed an extreme form of penis envy and as a consequence would suck on an
erect prick for hours on end. Xum-far-t had reasoned that such behavior would draw out the inflammation in Ornery Jaguar Dick’s penis, thus curing
him. Overjoyed by this prognosis, Ornery Jaguar Dick swore to reward Xum-far-t in the manner to which he was accustomed, and after a brief visit,
proceeded west to hunt for the plant. Within days he found what he sought and in a journey of some four months (apparently he took a shortcut) he
returned to the Kingdom of the Sacred Penis. Once home, he acquired the services of a suitable bunny woman, fed her the mushroom and reaped the
full abundance of her miraculous ministrations, for the rest of his natural life, until his death as a wrinkled but entirely satiated old man…    
Next Panel: Translation:
Long ago, in the Kingdom of the Sacred Penis, the
venerable warrior Ornery Jaguar Dick had suffered the
consequences of a rare malady which resulted in an
extreme enlargement and irritation of his penis. His life long
associate, Armed Scorpion Shank (facing him from below)
advised that he travel to the land of the Blue Moray Woman
and offer her some tasty fish in order to obtain information
as to the course of a cure. So Ornery Jaguar Dick set off
on a journey of at least five months while Armed Scorpion
Shank attended to a plague of poisonous frogs that had
multiplied in a nearby swamp.  Now, Blue Moray Woman
was known for her unprecedented sexual appetite, but she
had never coupled with a freak with a large red dick.
Although she found the experience to be quite satisfactory,
she could only advise Ornery Jaguar Dick to retrace his
steps, return to his homeland and then proceed south to the
domain of the stick people where rumors had reported the
appearance of the Wind God Xum-far-t, whose libidinous
wisdom undoubtedly exceeded even her own.
Third Panel with Associated Sculpture: Translation:

Following the precipitous events which had unfolded first in the Kingdom of the
Sacred Penis, word of the escapades of Ornery Jaguar Dick and the daring medical
procedure which transformed useless females into astounding sexual predators was
spread throughout all the adjoining lands and kingdoms until it eventually reached
the kingdom [Dju Koct Smoke Moo] and the ears of Lord K' Ikeus Pokus, greatest
Lord of them all. Seen here examining all the various pros and cons of the medical
contortionist transformation brought about by the Sacred Devil’s Penis mushroom,
he decided to administer the weed to his consort, The formidable and usually
obstreperous  Jaguar Queen (see her bust on the pedestal). Sure enough, she was
soon sucking his cock with all the gusto he had been counseled to expect. (See her
in her Fellatia aspect above her bust.) Well, as you might expect, this cultural
breakthrough, with its attendant geriatric benefits, simply could not be kept a
secret. The word slowly leaked out. And no self-respecting Zoque female was
about to be considered obsolete just because she couldn't afford the price of a
stinking red weed. Whatever it took, and whatever position you had to assume to
take it, she was going to get what she wanted, in spite of what anybody thought.  
You can imagine how competitive things got from there on. No Zoque male was
safe on the street or anywhere else. So, that is when (see leftmost pedestal) giving
blow jobs, sucking cock, or jacking off in public were banned. It was still OK to do
it in private, but doing it or talking about it in public was not..  
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the press, my
fellow crew members, faculty and representatives of the
Archaeological Institute of Chiapas...

[smile, wait for the avid shutter bugs to be re-seated and the
applause to die down]

As the days go by we here have become ever more curious
to discover (and decipher) the enigmas expressed by the
Purempecha artist, B’ugh Jaguar Snout.  

[pause for dramatic effect and more applause]

But first we must observe the necessary preliminaries.

[Get a serious look on your face]

As you know, we here at this sacred site are deeply
involved in the effort to preserve the rare artifacts slowly
emerging under the trowels and cleaning brushes of our
dedicated field work staff.

[wait for the students to cease congratulating themselves;
clear your throat several times to regain their attention and
then pull on the cord to draw the curtain away from the
mural. Once the gasps of shock and approval die down,
Ike's diary notes for a brief statement he delivered on September 26, 2010, to the assembled international media in the vestibule within  the South
Portal of the Zoque Elder's Palace at the unveiling of the now much admired mural by B'ugh Jaguar Snout depicting Xum-far-t’s epic pilgrimage to
the Six Houses of Xibalba
Incised and painted upon this wall some 3400 years ago, the mural here, seen for the first time by the general public,  represents a mere 2% of the
estimated art work we have discovered during our excavations. [ say next with an expression of pleased approval] This place is just a marvelous
well of unfathomable ethnographic material. Among the many ancient artists so far represented, the mural here by BJSnout illustrates the
extraordinarily realistic portraits he rendered some 1400 years before the birth of Christ. Think about it. Notice, below the mural the pictoglyphs
[Pause to stroke your beard and wink slyly]  Apparently, Snout’s task was to record the order in which Xum-far-t met and coupled with the Ladies
of the Houses of the Mayan underworld, beginning with the notorious Fish Goddess, Choc-Xum-chal-mool.  Note the footprints in the upper panel
leading off to the right. [point to them also gracefully with your index finger]  Interestingly, the small fish facing to the left below the goddess does
not indicate the direction in which to read or travel, but is instead merely a sign for the birth of offspring or a place to catch, get, acquire, eat fish,
or a fishy place, fishy smell, etc.  That should be clearly understood.  [glare briefly] Continuing in the direction of the footprints, next we presume
that Xun-far-t, you will recall as the Underworld God of the Wind, either breathed upon or was blown by the ladies of Xibalba in the following
order: Lady Jaguar, Lady Squash Penis, The Snake Lady, Filth Eater, the Lady of the Bearded Clam, Lady Kulkul-cans, The Buzzard Queen, The
Hawk Princess, The Corn Goddess, and finally, the Great White Razor…O.K. Any questions so far? [nod approvingly at their stunned reactions] It
seems equally clear that while the ‘reading order’ is determined by the circular organization of the mural with Xum-far-t in the center,  the symbo-
glyphic decorations (one atop each torso) were meant to suggest other details: for example, the name of each consort and perhaps even her erotic
specialty as well. [chuckle with smug satisfaction]  Xum-far-t must have been formidably challenged by these no doubt very accomplished
temptresses. In any case, the conjecture around here is that each of the females is wearing an appropriate ceremonial mask representative of the
grave circumstances of the occasion as well as the informal urogenital rigor she is expected to infuse into the trial in which Xum-far-t's worthiness
will be adjudicated or adjudged.  It is also interesting to notice that Xum-far-t’s headdress has now become his shadow, a clever adaptation on the
part of Jaguar Snout whose signature logoglyph appears in the lower right corner of the mural. What an amazing coincidence to see those faintly
bloodshot but obviously Dottyesque blue eyes staring out from the shade surrounded by a pattern of distinctive blue dots… Perhaps Jaguar Snout
is even a tiny bit envious of Xum-far-t…at whom he seems to be glaring with unbearable spite as if he had ticks plonking away at his backside.
Continue to Chapter 13