Chapter Three:  The Curious Case of  Ugh Ace Turner Toad
New Leads, Ickanus Case
TO: Brother Crassius Grandicularis
FROM: The Cubicle of Mr. Shylock Chan
RE: TOP SECRET:                               Ickanus case takes curious twist

I write to you on a matter of extreme urgency and great sensitivity. Following a twisting pathway of obscure leads there is an emerging pattern
which suggests a Zionist conspiracy may-possibly lie at the root of Brother Ickanus's mysterious passing. Knowing that you have a business
relationship with Ace of "Ace Exterminations", I hope you will be able to address a simple and straightforward question. Is Ace of the Hebrew
persuasion? This question arises from interviews with Orval the Aryan, an informant who has brought to my attention three salient points: (l) Ace
has a prominent hooked proboscis of which he appears to have no shame; (2) His company charged you an exorbitant fee for relatively minimal
services--according to Orval, "You got Jewed.", and (3) Ace is known to frequently vacation in the Borscht Belt. As you can fully appreciate, I
must proceed with exceptional caution in pursuing this line of inquiry. It is certainly the case that Orval the Aryan is not necessarily an objective
and reliable informant. He owns a competing pest control firm (i.e., Rats-R-Us) which claims to have historical precedence in their capacity for
removing the impure from homes, neighborhoods and nations. He thus has a vested economic interest in putting Ace out of business. With a name
like Shy lock, I am also personally operating at a bit of a disadvantage with Orval and his colleagues--who seem to view my involvement in this
case with considerable suspicion.  In any case, it is incumbent that we follow the facts wherever they may lead and I would appreciate any
assistance you can provide in determining Ace’s ethnic heritage and religio-political proclivities.

Sincerely
Shylock
TO:                 Ike's Photosynthesis Labs:
FROM:            Jimmie's Publication Enterprises, Men's House Division
RE:                Image Applications

Dear Sir:

First let me express our sincere gratitude and appreciation for the quality and speed of your company's outstanding
service.  In these times of often shoddy craftsmanship, garden variety discourtesy, and indifference to the needs of the
consumer, your obvious skill, dedication, and overall business integrity, stand as a memorial to the way things should be. In
response to your interrogative regarding use of the images (while the possibilities remain virtually open-ended and
unlimited), I can report that one plan is to incorporate them into a forthcoming publication of our Men's House Division.  
This tome addresses the need for elder men to pass on their wisdom and observations to the young of the tribe.  Chapter 2,
for example, addresses the issue of " Pros and Cons: Losing your head for a fuck:" The images are ideal for illustrating the
subtlety and complexity of this ongoing concern in the lives of many young men (e.g. Ugh Toad).

Another satisfied customer,
Jimmie Sapiens (He Who Loves High Matters)
Owner/Editor/Publisher/Critic/Author/Banker, JP Enterprises

p.s. the check is in the mail
From the Office of Alfred J. Picklewort
To:                Ace Turner (aka Ugh Toad)
Subject:        Complimentary June Calendar
As you know, we here at Ike’s Photosynthesis Labs produce and market a small business calendar (for wall or desk) featuring new or up and
coming companies, their services or products.  Each year we select 12 clients, one for each month of the year, and design a calendric image and
text especially suitable as an advertisement for the thousands of our customers who have come to enjoy and expect the high style for which we
have a so well deserved reputation.  This year as part of our marketing strategy, we are sending “everyone” a free sample of our product, featuring
(and focusing on) the California Small Business Council’s pick of the year, blue ribbon darling of the investor classes (see the attached).  Hope you
enjoy the month.

Sincerely,

Alfred (Freddie) P.
At ACE , we specialize in industrial strength agribusiness applications of
environmentally safe, vector specific pesticides approved by the California
Department of Environmental Standards.  All of our field representatives and
applications engineers are board certified by
TACO, Technical Advisers [of]
Chemical Operations.  We are a bonded company, with Metro Life and
Indemnity Corp., supported by a tort protection policy rated triple AAA, the
highest rating applied to any pesticide management system in the state.  Doing
business with us means you are serious about the business you do, whatever that
business might be…  For rates and quotes on consulting services and pesticide
applications, contact our ACE Poison Center Nexus, by phone, email or fax, and
let us relieve you of those irritating little pests in your less than laid back life
style…or visit us at our...
website...
                                                 
Los Angeles Times,  August 6, 2007
Dateline: Van Nuys
Odd Developments in Disappearance of Shylock Chan
Local police officials were baffled by the allegation yesterday that an obscure local artist known as Odd Jim Dotty
has been masquerading as an internationally renowned detective by the name of Shylock Chan.   According to a
report earlier this week published in the
Van Nuys Viewzine, a local newspaper, Mr. Shylock Chan “was last seen
in early June of 2007, in the book section of the Van Nuys Salvation Army store,”  where his picture was captured
quite by accident by another customer fiddling with a used camera.  A positive identification of Chan in the photo
was made by the checker/cashier, because Chan used a credit card to pay for his purchases and his name was on
the credit slip retained by the shop.  Although Chan has a notorious reputation for only appearing publicly in
disguise, forensic handwriting analysts at the LAPD, who compared the signature with a traffic ticket for illegally
parking in a handicap zone issued to Chan last year, have concluded the signature appears to be authentically his.  
The blurred photo taken at the thrift shop (top right) was circulated by the
Van Nuys Viewzine in an effort to
appeal for public help in locating Chan, who some believe is suffering from a mental disorder which causes periodic
lapse of memory.  Chan’s whereabouts are considered of critical importance [only] to the police because he was
known to be operating undercover in a private investigation of a homicide in Irvine, where authorities are still
seeking resolution of details surrounding the murder of one Father Flem Ickanus, chief gardener at the La Casa
Sanitarium for the criminally insane.   Subsequent to the report of Chan’s disappearance by the
Viewzine,  A.K.A.
Khan, the executive editor of
Artsy Fartsy, (pure schlock in this writer's opinion) an art review quarterly published
by House of Jimmie, notified the police that the man in the photo was not Shylock Chan.  Instead, according to
Khan, the man in the
Viewzine photo was Odd Jim Dotty (bottom photo), who Khan recognized because Artsy
Fartsy
had recently published a lengthy preview of Dotty’s works in its June Quarterly Review.  When
questioned by police about the incident, Dotty denied any knowledge of the affair and cast doubt on the accuracy
of Khan’s identification of him as the man in the
Viewzine photo.  Dotty even hypothesized that rather than he
impersonating Chan, it might be the other way around, that Chan was impersonating him, although Dotty could
provide no credible explanation of why that might be the case.  According to Khan, Dotty’s artistic talents were
featured in
Artsy Fartsy because he is one of only a handful of California artists whose works define the Garage
School Neo-Primitive Post-Outsider Non-Ism Movement.  Others include the sculptor and writer Eucalyptus Ike
(who wrote the preview of Dotty’s work for
Artsy Fartsy while in custody at the La Casa Sanitarium), and
Brother Crassius Grandicularis, now chief gardener at the same institution.  Because the murder of Father Ickanus
was perpetrated on the grounds of the sanitarium, police authorities are curious as to the connections posed by
what Dotty has referred to as ‘mere coincidence…’            
Curious Twists and Turners

Dear Shylock,

So good to hear from you after so many days without contact. I cannot tell you how pleased I am to hear you are still pursuing leads with ...shall
we say ... such zealous zealotry in matters which are so close to the heart of us both. I, of course, fully concur with the urgency and delicate
nature of the sibling issues to which you refer. As you are aware, I have done what I can to provide the oblique role model you have hinted at in
previous correspondence [providing younger members of the tribe with appropriate guidance concerning relations with Anti-PWA members of the
opposite sex].

I presume I have not failed you in any capacity of the slightest consequence in this regard, and I would hope to assure you of my constant and
undeviating perseverance concerning any future issues with [gulp] the above. I must confess in the sense of the one and only true cross, (the
crossed bones) that I have not now nor have I ever had even the slightest suspicion of the true genetic or sociopathic historical data to which you
so delicately refer, although I am in daily contact with those who could provide the two of us with that information, if the price is right. I caution
you, however, not to proceed along those sewer lines unless you are truly desperate, for it would place both of us in a situation so perilous as to
warrant the utmost apprehension. (Matters here in the M-wing are reaching the boiling point as you know.) Is Orval the Aryan susceptible to any
other form of persuasion/interrogation? Perhaps an agent (on the shelf so to speak) with the usual unusual talents might be more suitable as an
instrument of our con-jointed endeavor? Hummmmm? A prospectus recently sent to all ministers involved in matters of militant minutia, which
may be of some application in this regard, is presently in the development and haggle stage. And I will forward to you a copy, when the item has
been subjected to all the required reviews and clearances. As I understand it, a major push for production quotas is pending, and a crew of
Dis-corporeal selves is soon to be released from custody. Please feel free eventually to pick and choose ... and we can set up all the appropriate
interviews.

As to Ace's tender tendencies (and his ongoing interest in the Internet stud service he is sponsoring) may I suggest the undeniable? I for one do not
swallow this Borscht Belt bullshit. The Agent Wacko surveillance team working out of Langley has 24 hour around the week tapes on his activities,
which would provide us with any behavioral details you may require. Count on it. At least one report resting in my in box at present places him in
an extremely compromising position (with his pants down around his knees in public) although the point of view and camera focus for delicate
measurements is not exactly what you would consider up to snuff. Finally, I am not aware that Ace has ever exhibited any interest in anything but
well rounded subject matter, let alone politics or religion, about which from my vantage point I must confess I have failed to perceive any
connection. By all means, keep me informed of any decisions you are compelled to manufacture.

I do have one tiny question to put to you on another matter, which you, obviously, may feel free to refuse to answer: is the PC in your padded cell
still working properly? Mine seems to be suffering from a pronounced set of symptoms which would indicate it's bugged. I fear someone or some
thing is attempting to plant either a malicious virus or tracking software into our M-wing none ambulatory extra-vehicular nervous system. If that
proves to be the case, and I will certainly keep everyone informed, be sure to fall back upon the usual SS cryptologic practices.
Brother Crassius (winking at you with his [Shuckspearian] lean and hungry look)
                                Bringing Clitical Studies to the Masses Since 1957

TO:        Auspex Ooze; Audacious Loquacious Bodacious; Persnickety Peevish; Lucifer DeBauch; Pimp Nudnick; Slop Aplomb; Swishy
Homunculus; Sangfroid Uppity; Finiky Smellfungus; Parlance Carp; Fustian J. Prig; Snoop Driblet; Windy Muckworm; Yak Von Prattle; Loopy
Kvetch; Icky Pecksniffian; Kinky Bugger; Idiom Traipse

FROM:        A.K.A. [The Ring Wraith of] KHAN, Executive Editor & Bail Bondsman
RE:          
The Question of Ugh Toad                



As most of you know,
Artsy Fartsy has begun preparation of a special issue devoted exclusively to the Southern California Garage School of the
Neo-Primitive Post-Outsider Non-Ism movement. I am writing to request input from a select few of the tabloid world’s most rancorous and
vexatious clitical theorists regarding an issue on which our Editorial Board and Journal staff has been unable to reach consensus. In addition to
general articles reviewing the history, development and assorted issues uniquely characteristic of this important movement, our special issue will
feature in-depth clitical study of the seminal preeminent luminaries and their multitudinous fecundity. In most cases there is no dispute whatsoever
in denoting the chosen few with unanimity of clitical opinion (e.g., the carvings of Eucalyptus Ike, the netherworld writings of Unholy Gravey; the
paintings of Odd Jim Dotty; the wortocultural victualosophy of Brother Crassius Grandicularis; the couture of Jimmie Walkabout, etc.). Our
preliminary discussions, however, have revealed an irreconcilable schism regarding the relevance and merits of Ugh Toad, the self-proclaimed
ersatz nihilist.  Clearly, bloodlines and early socialization provide direct links to the Southern California Garage School movement. And some argue
that his uncanny exploitation of onanism as an art form (i.e., Wack-off Hyper-Fraudalism), and his extension of extant symbosophic traditions (i.e.,
“I Stink Therefore I am”) perpetuate the high standards of his progenitors while forging new directions for soi-disant guise-mongering
polypragmatics, and fresh insights into ‘reality’ TV and  Bible study. Others, of course, view his so-called ‘disembodiments’ as indecorous
chicanery which gives both slothfulness and jacking off a bad name. I thus petition you, my erstwhile colleagues, to offer up your cogitation and
individual judgments on his matter.
To facilitate your considerations I have briefly summarized selective fustian lore on Ugh Toad as follows.

Ugh Toad is a proponent, and the only known volitional practitioner of the aesthetic philosophy of nothingness—the reduction ad absurdum of
supremist minimalism.  Indeed, his modus vivendi takes the principle that “The idea is enough” one step further. He takes great pride in having no
ideas and producing no products and claims to be exceptionally talented at this.  Although details are sketchy, it is thought that one influence on his
commitment to non-doing was an early experimental effort by Odd Jim Dotty. This ‘painting’ was a 10 foot by 10 foot white bed sheet with a
single tiny indiscernible white dot in the upper left hand corner.  Upon viewing this work, Ugh was reported to have walked away muttering “I can
do less than that.” The only know ‘piece’ by Ugh which has been actually seen by others is a grainy yellow-brownish photograph of him in a
Photomat booth in soiled boxer shorts, obviously snockered, and either in onanistic fervor or attempting to move his bowels.  Although Ugh
eschews any verbal labeling of his activities, it is rumored that this ‘piece’ has something to do with ‘Entering Paris Hilton; Mind, Pussy, and the
Vicissitudes of Fantasy Visualization’. Rumor also has it that Ugh once attempted a wood carving but quit the moment he began to perspire.  He is
apparently adamant in not wasting ‘precious body fluids’ and prone to avoid any activities that might raise a blister on his best masturbating hand.  
Proponents of Ugh argue that his espousal of non-productivity recognizes the emptiness, terror, and formlessness at the center of human
consciousness and asserts that this darkness is inhabitable if one can find the simple courage required to be lazy, insignificant and delusionary.  It
seems likely that Ugh’s peculiar epistemological stance can be traced to early childhood trauma incurred during a Symbosophic Society event (i.e.,
The Kid’s Dance-Off) held in a remote mountain meadow in northern New Mexico.  It is believed that Ugh expended considerable effort preparing
for this event and was pathologically disappointed in the outcome—either because he was not declared the clear winner or the niggling paucity of
the prize. There may have been some sort of epiphany at this time.  In any case, it was shortly thereafter that he began the incognizant murmurings
that became his life and art (e.g., “The End of Everything is the Beginning of Nothing; Pee Wee Herman is God Enough For Me”; etc…ad
infinitum).  
Preview The Ugh Toad Exhibitionism
Interplanetary Memo
To Ace of Ace Exterminations
From Ike’s Photosynthesis Labs

Photos of the fruit and attire you ordered are attached because the work detail has completed its
assignment.  For your sartorial amusement, the t-shirt (the trade goods you requested) is by Arm Anne

(House Jimmie) although the label has long since deteriorated in the wash (not the washing machine)
near the tomato patch behind the M-wing complex/compound.  The tomato bushes there are lovely this
year, and Xochiquetzal, the new gardener's assistant, has been instructed to water them with care and
fertilize regularly with vegetable waste and other scraps from the commissary kitchen (see a great gray
garden slug's stalk eye winking).   The tomato photo exhibits the sign of the skin blemish (three bullet
holes) you requested.  The ground in the wash is soft at this time of the year and has been recently tilled,
so it's easy to work in any ground up hamburger you feel the need to discard without proceeding
through proper channels (curb pickups often are just not around when you need them).  And the area is
densely populated with night crawlers, which as an unexpected side effect now make excellent fish bait
because their size has doubled.  How is the internet stud service your entrepreneurial spirit is promoting?  
Might I take this opportunity also to report that Acorn (Acronymics Regional Nexus Y, a subsidiary of
Numinal Nomenclature [adjustments]) has come up with "Tidbit" (Tid-bi-T) for your new LLC to be
incorporated into the local syndicate? "Travel ideas, directions, by Tot" has such a nice ring to it
wouldn't you say? [See German: 'tot' or 'todlich' for details].  

Ike the K-ike
ps:  this is the exact t-shirt Ickanus was wearing the night of his death
From: Inspector Hector Ordonez Orinoco Klink (Hook)
Homicide Division, Irvine Highway Patrol
To:      Ace Turner, President and CEO, ACE Enterprises LLC          

RE:  
The Ickanus Investigation

During the course of an official investigation of a capital offense (murder) at Monastery
La Casa in the County of Orange (or Orange County as some will prefer) in has come to
our attention that your pest control extermination service subsidiary was contacted to
eradicate an infestation of Mexican Bean Beetles in the horticultural compound at the
monastery.  Apparently the pest had infested the pole bean crop growing near the
gardener’s cubicle, and Ace’s Extermination was paid a sum of $352.27 for the service
call.
The Exchequer of the Billing Dept. at the monastery has provided us with a copy of the check and the signed receipt with your company’s logo
printed on the bill.  A copy of the logo you see above left was also found on a calendar apparently published by your company, attached to the wall
behind a rather badly battered desk the gardener (the victim) used for his clerical duties. Because the cause of death (TROTS, the rigor of toxic
shock syndrome) has been  identified by the county coroner,  and because the victim was known to practice a kinky form of weight control
involving the ingestion of shredded weed and bean plant material rather than the beans themselves, we are investigating the possibility that the
pesticide used to eradicate the beetles may have played a role in the victim’s untimely demise.  Naturally, we expect your full cooperation (in a
timely manner) in order to proceed with all expeditiousness toward a resolution of the particulars of the case.  Therefore, we are requesting a full
and complete report identifying what pesticide was applied, in what level of toxicity, and precisely where and when (the time of day) the service
was provided. Please direct all correspondence to Lieutenant Catrina Angelina Teresa Habaniero Y Yolanda, chief field agent in charge.

Officiously,
Capt. Hook
According to sanitarium sources who wish to remain anonymous due to the publicity surrounding the case, a series of loud, blood curdling
screams was heard by night shift staff from the direction of the padded cell wing of the megalomania ward shortly after midnight on the night of
the 10th.   An investigation revealed both men had had their throats cut by someone or parties with key access to the magnetic locks on their cell
doors.  Both patients, for reasons unknown and unfathomable by this reporter, actually had a computer with Internet access in their cell, and both
cells were littered with magazines and other art periodicals as if to suggest they had been ransacked or searched.  Later, a shocking amount of
pornography and pedophilia was found on the hard drives of their computers.  There were no known eye witnesses to the crimes, according to
Irvine Police Captain, Hector Klink. Because La Casa sanitarium houses a high percentage of patients whose criminal careers involved membership
in organized gangs, it is suspected that the murders could have been gang related.  Earlier this year, the chief gardener at the sanitarium, Flem
Ickanus, was murdered under similar peculiar circumstances, and the two events may prove to have been somehow related, according to Weevil.  
Both Aryan Brotherhood and Mexican Mafia gang members, as well as Sicilian Cosa Nostra crime figures have, at one time or other, been treated at
the facility, which has a world-wide reputation for cutting edge treatment of chronic mental illness.  The reputation of the institution has suffered
of late, however, due to rumors of illicit drug dealings and a secret mobile methamphetamine lab said to be operating somewhere on the sprawling
175 acre complex.  Police Captain Klink has also put forward the theory that the two victims may somehow have stumbled upon gang related
communications involving illicit drugs and were murdered in order to secure their silence.  Others suspect the two were eliminated because they
were a collective nuisance, constantly poking their pedantic noses into other patients’ business.   
Local Authorities today released crime scene details and grimy photos of a double murder of two sanitarium patients housed in a high security wing
at the La Casa Sanitarium in Irvine. Frank Weevil, General Manager of the sanitarium--whose clientele includes the severely disturbed, mentally ill,
and criminally insane—held a press conference in front of the sanitarium’s administration complex to inform the assembled media about what has
become both a local scandal and a federal investigation.
                                                                                                                                                      August 11, 2007

   Mob Connections Suspected in Double Murder at Local Sanitarium
Dateline:  Irvine
The victims, whose names are being withheld until the next of kin are notified, were
both severely disturbed psychotics who shared adjacent padded cells, and were said to be
suffering from a shared delusion as well.  Apparently they believed they “controlled the

voices in the heads of other patients" and it was their duty as well as their obligation to
“correct any literary and grammatical peccadilloes” they discovered in conversations they
‘overheard.’ Weevil described their condition as a “Folie a deux” in which a delusional
state is embraced by two separate individuals.  Both victim’s exhibited liturgical identities--
Father Ronnie, The Flemish Fulminator [at left]; and Brother Jubb The Emancipator—
consistent with their shared delusion, and were known to be secretive as well as
estranged from the general patient population.
To:                Ace Turner, Ace Enterprises LLC

Subject:        Release: Status of GULP

Dear Sir,

It is my sincere pleasure to inform you (her custodian and legal guardian) that your X-mistress, Guadalupe Ulzana Lagrimas Penocho, has made
splendid progress toward what we here hope will be eventually a complete recovery. As you know, she will have to continue to take her medication
daily for the term of her mortal existence; otherwise, she would undoubtedly suffer the consequences of an incomprehensible relapse (for which in
all likelihood you would bear the legal responsibility.) As we now believe her condition has improved significantly, and for weeks now no one has
observed any signs of the former ‘lewd behaviors’ which precipitated her illness and subsequent incarceration in the first place, it is our considered
opinion that GULP is no longer a danger to herself or others and may safely (given the stipulations summarized above) re-enter civilized society…

As you have requested, we have compiled all her medical records, psychiatric evaluations, transcripts of her in-house conversations and social
intercourse with other patients, and associated files and security camera recordings, a considerable pile of documentation if I may say so myself
[You will need the truck.]. The video tapes of her in-cubicle behaviors are quite shocking as you might imagine, so we recommend that you view
these in the uttermost privacy of your home [bedroom].  As to the rumor that some of these tapes have been copied and distributed [sold] over the
internet by unscrupulous staff members here at La Casa we have found no iota of evidence, in spite of a careful and meticulous examination of all
leads, tips and clues to the contrary.

Finally, may I add that your unstinting concern for GULP’s welfare and your generous contributions to our fund raisers have filled us with
admiration and a profound sense of gratitude. It is the rare human nowadays who plays the role of the good Samaritan, a role which appears to fit
you like a velvet glove.  

Best wishes,

Frank Weevil

Ps:  When can we expect you to call for GULP?         
Dotty Foundation, in care of Zen Baptist Mystic Positivism Facility, Van Nuys CA
Dear Odd Jim Dotty,

Permission is hereby requested to publish a part of the above photo of your mural “Suspicious Liberals, Paranoid Conservatives, and Reactionary
Radicals” originally titled  “Little Balloon Men of the Archetypal Ph.D. Committee.”  Unfortunately, there is no monetary recompense available at
this time, due to circumstances beyond our control, and the fact that we have as yet no reliable source of income. Your generosity in this matter is
considered of the highest importance to us here at the Institute as well as to our exclusive readership.  Naturally, we would like to reward you for
the many services you have rendered to the field of higher education in general and to the institution for which you have labored in the vineyards of
wisdom in particular.  Therefore, your name has been put forward for admission to the Institute, and we expect to hear from the membership
committee any day now, soon, shortly, I’m sure.  In the mean time, let us know if there is anything of very small value that we can do to expedite
our request for permission to take advantage of your very fine painting ability in the service of our ongoing efforts to clarify, magnify, and typify
the native artifacts our Institute has promoted over the years.  

Yours Truly,

Ugh Toad,

Director, Institute for the Study of Inuit Art and Letters,
Skagway, Alaska    
Continue






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Records of the M-ward Right Wing Petaflops who Stuck It to the Cops...

Ace Poison Center Nexus: Consulting Services and Pesticide Applications Worldwide

You got any computer bugs messing around with your lifestyle, belief systems or financial security? Don't worry.

At Ace you can count on services rendered with the utmost regard for security and discretion. We do not share customer information,
identity, accounts receivable etc. with anybody, ever. That's something you can count on, absolutely. Furthermore, we go the distance, the
whole nine yards and then some, to protect  inter-party communications, off shore account ledgers, financial transactions and all extra-legal
business relationships of a confidential nature. That's something else you can count on absolutely. Check us out all you want. You'll discover
nobody knows anything about us, and we will make every effort, pay any price, bear any burden, cross any bridge to keep it that way.
Consider agent/customer/client emails for example. Our encryption algorithms exceed standards set by the Federal Government of The United
States for its own Top Secret documents. Nobody has ever cracked one of our coded cyphers yet, and there have been a whole lot of people
that have tried. You want tight lips packed into some very fancy chips? We got 'em and we know what to do with them, every time it
becomes necessary to upgrade our encryption keys. Our motto is: "Get there first, grab the high ground, and shoot down any hacker who
starts to sniff around."  See what comes next? It's a sample of an encrypted customer email message. The point is, only we and you can read
it if you become a client of ours. The choice is yours...naturally. We are not the only ones poking our noses into other people's business
secrets...you can bet on that...

Ace
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Taped Interview with Cordon Bleu Chef de la Mer, Raoul (Ugy) by
M. Lisa Gamboa for "Women's Day Magazine on tape"

Ugy, how do you personally account for the astounding success of the La Casa
Gardens dining experience since you became its first visionary chef?

Well, I would have to say, in all modesty, its because I'm good at what I do.  Ah ( cough)
when you have had the education and training I have received and the family connections I
enjoy, there is not much left to chance (grinning) if you know what I mean.  Naturally, we
take every opportunity to acquire only superior ingredients for our menu items, and our
customers walk away knowing they have experienced the best that money can buy.  It's that
simple, really.

Lisa: Is that really all there is to it?

(Ugy chuckling) Well, I'm not about to give away all the family secrets, but I can say with
confidence that our recipes have been handed down through the Habaniero and Yolanda
families for at least 400 years.  (Ugy scratching his crotch) Fishing was and remains today a
source of income for the Yolanda family, and the Habanieros were farmers and cattle
ranchers long before gold was discovered in California in the mid 1800's.  Naturally, we
enjoy a mutually beneficial business relationship within the combined family, and the prime
beef specialties and seafood delicacies at La Casa are the result of close cooperation between
all these interests.

But (Lisa giggling) how do you explain the remarkable reception your restaurants have
received by all the international rating services and food critics?
Lisa Gamboa, food critic for Artsy Fartsy; writes a
quarterly column for Women's Day, "Dining in
Orange County." Her recent centerpage exposure
has gained her thousands of fans virtually enthralled
by her perfect diction and rare decolletage..
Ugy the Chef of La Casa Enterprises, at the
Habaniero Y Yolanda Family Gala celebrating
the50th wedding anniversary of Tito Yolanda and
Katrina Habaniero, God Father and Mother of the
Habaniero Y Yolanda business syndicate of  
California and New Mexico.
(Ugy, clearing his throat) AI guess it's because at La Casa we maintain preparing food is like making love to a woman. In love, as you know,
"ripeness is all," (sound of shifting his pelvic position) and the same applies to food.  We do not "pluck" the chicken until the chicken is dying

to be plucked, if you get my meaning.

Nor do we rush the beef from behind to catch it unawares and hang it up until the
bloom of its prime bosom, I mean (pause) its juices and
aromas have been masticated ah er measured, so to speak...(Lisa leaning forward) No, we take our time, we move in slowly, and out only
when we are sure that the sweet juice has risen in the breast meat and the bloom is flush on the ripe pink flesh.  (Lisa unbuttoning one button)


It's partly also a matter of smell; things have to smell right before they will taste good, so we pay a great deal of attention to our noses and
what they are telling us about timing. (Lisa leans further forward) Of course, everything has to be inspected carefully; turned this way and
that, to see if all the pieces and parts are in correct proportion to each other.  Nobody wants all meat and no potato
es, (Ugy again clearing his
throat) too much fat and not enough supple red muscle.  We also evaluate organs;  yes, organs are extremely important (Ugy laughing) it goes
without saying: so we get down real close to organs, in order to make sure they are very healthy and behaving properly.


(Sounds of starched clothing being removed) You might say that organs tell more about the potential of beef than any other part of the animal
(Ugy winking) so when you put all of this careful attention to detail together with ah, a remarkably well rounded recipe, you get food with
optimum flavor, prepared by highly skilled food lovers using only the finest ingredients. (Muffled sounds of bodies thumping on the floor) I've
been told by several food critics they would rather eat here and pay for what they eat than eat free elsewhere.  It's no surprise to me however,
because I know how hard I get when I want to make love to food, if you know what I mean...

(Lisa giggling)
Given your phenominal (pause) expertise, Ugy, (more giggling) what's your favorite item on the menu ?  
Well, I have to say I'm partial to seafood, myself. That's my specialty, you know, being Chef de la Mer, and all. (Sounds of hands moving
across clothing) There's just something about the variety of flavors that are available to the human palate where seafood is concerned. In
particular, I prefer food that reminds me of female anatomy: raw oysters drenched in spicy red sauce and white horse raddish (Lisa gasping);  
succulent grilled Yellow Tail drizzled with pink mango chutney relish (sounds of heavy breathing); blackened sea bass spattered with braised
white onion garnish, that sort of thing. (Sounds of motion and rocking) I like to savor dishes that open me up to new flavors, that spread
themselves wide across the table, that smack me on the fanny with a bold brass hairbrush so to speak. (Slapping sounds) I want to see it up
close, smell it, listen to it sizzle on the platter, before I leap in with both hands to guzzle it with my nozzle. Hey, I'm willing to eat it off some
babe's belly if it gets me all excited (sounds of slurping and licking). You only go around once, they say, so I want to take my trip with all the
zippers unzipped, my pants down around my knees and no positions left untried before the great slide downhill leaves me alone and reckless
on some broad's bedroom floor, using her blow drier to try to get my limp noodle up...(sounds of moaning and rapid motion fading off as if  
into the distance).
Printout:  Joint CIA, FBI Data Files, Langley, Virginia

Source: Voiceover Access Channel, Information Data Query 1z427836-qed-RICO-zebra-delta-tango
Search Sectors, Combined Criminal Collations, Codes, Finger Prints
Accessee:  Lt. Catrina Habaniero Y Yolanda requesting:  August 11, 2007, 19:45:31 hours

Route Section:  So Cal Criminal Enquiries, Irvine SubSector
Access Code:  class 4, standard access, no security check required
Input:   Mug Shot and Rap Sheet on Emmanual Ugh [Ugy, Ugly] Toad

Printout follows:

Emmanual Ugy Toad, alias Elmo Ugy Turner Y Yolanda.

Born January 1940, San Pedro, California, first child of  Petunia “The Fly” Yolanda,  cleaning lady / palm reader/ card shark/grifter and
Pizarro Vaca de Maximus,  carney barker, crap game shill,  waterfront union disorganizer…

Education:  gifted child, fast- track, state sponsored scholarship,  graduated high school at age 8, advanced degrees BA, U. of Berkeley, 1953,
age 13; Doctorate in Psychology,  Stanford, 1954, age 14,  advanced training Army Intelligence, NSA, 1955-1958; completed courses in
forgery, disguise, poison specialist, with chemical weapons applications. Received Naval Officer Commission, rank of Lt. Commander by
Presidential order, September 1959

Military MOS:  computer programmer, cryptology, communications, signal service…translations   

Language skills:  Russian, Mandarin Chinese, Polish, and several Romance languages, expert cryptologist, with weapons training, wet work
specialty…political assassination…

Broke ranks and went AWOL from military service with NSA, June 1964.  Arrested 1967, Phoenix, Arizona. Tried, convicted of treason,
issued  dishonorable discharge 1968, served 11 years Leavenworth Military Stockade, until release in 1979.  Considered extreme security risk
due to paranoid behavior.  Not presently wanted for any known criminal activity.

Disappeared following release from Leavenworth, Kansas, for a six year period. Believed  living some where in the Bay area around 1986,
traffic ticket issued in Oakland, CA for failure to signal for a left turn, May 1988.  May now reside in Paraguay, Argentina or Van
Nuys/Burbank area.  Known to be avid reader, imaginative, clever, devious, careful planner, but crummy photographer, enjoyed executing
orders with flawless results.  

Psych Profile: Pot smoker with pronounced oral fixation, believed to have deep seated persecution complex as a result of potty training and a
childhood spent in extreme poverty, in Mexican gang controlled neighborhood.  Hates drug addicts and pushers.  May have been molested as
a child.  Reclusive, suspicious type, stays to himself to avoid crowds.  

Hobbies:  gifted artist/painter, but likes to sleep and just hang out…camping, fly fishing…etc.
Anyone with current information pertaining to his location, activities, or occupation is encouraged to contact a local office of the FBI.  
From:  La Casa Retreat, Office of the Proconsul, Secretary to the Director,
To:      The Honorable O. J. Dotty, via M-ward adjunct email services

Subject:         A Modest Proposal

Dear Mr. Dotty, as you can see I have scanned the web for a better photo
of the retreat at La Casa as per your demand/request. This view is similar to
the one on the website you recently visited, but it was necessary that I
doctor some of the detail in the background to make it conform to the older
campus photo. Basically I eliminated a large lake or waterway running all
along the hills in the distance and the entire town which stands in the large
green pasture to the left of the castle.  Since you recently reviewed the
website you will probably recognize the castle from the one set off in the
distance on the campus photos page.

Neuschwanstein Castle is a 19th century Romanesque revival palace on a rugged hill above the village of Hohenschwangau near Füssen in
southwest Bavaria, Germany.The palace was commissioned by Ludwig II of Bavaria as a retreat and as a homage to Richard Wagner.
It was
intended as a personal refuge for the reclusive king, and opened to the paying public immediately after his death in 1886. Since then over 60
million people have visited the castle. More than 1.3 million people visit annually, with up to 6,000 a day in the summer.
The palace has
appeared prominently in several movies and was the inspiration for Disneyland's Sleeping Beauty Castle.


As you know I appropriated a previous, much inferior copy of this image for the La Casa campus directory. It has been setting there for
ayears idle while Ike ruminated over what to do with the retreat. According to the La Casa Home Page, you will recall, Ike is the retreat
Director in charge, naturally.
Now, according to Ike: “The La Casa Monastery and Retreat is delighted to announce the opening of its Artistic
Archives featuring the work of the many painters, sculptors, and artists who have donated their creations to the Monastery for the benefit of
present and future inhabitants. The overwhelming response we have received to the public portion of our collection has been a source of
genuine inspiration to staff and patients alike.  La Casa, as you know, stands as a beacon of mercy and wisdom for the humane treatment of
debilitating mental problems in the midst of a massive decline in general funding by governmental agencies responsible for the mental health
of the U.S. population.”

Given the above details, would you consider contributing photographic images of your works, including both paintings and sculptures, to the
public collections at the retreat?  Naturally, since we always endeavor to be thorough, we are hoping to entice you to provide us with your
entire artistic output, both past, present and future.

Rest assured that you will retain complete and unmitigated artistic authority and decision making over how and where and why your works
will be displayed. Ike’s vision will essentially be restricted to suggestions about which of his own creations to display (beside yours),
although we expect his contributions to be pale in comparison to your own. If this proposition (eh I mean proposal) is received by you with
any degree of interest whatsoever, I will notify the respective committee chairmen, to proceed with preliminary plans for the renovation of
those halls and hallways of the retreat which have been tentatively chosen for the exclusive public display of your works.

Yours truly,
Plecostemus Loricariidae (Armored Catfish, for short)
Sec. to the Director

cc: E. Ike
Encrypted CIA Confidential Abstracts: Summary of NSA Grant 2737-846-007
A Hoary Theory of Revolutions
by Meldrick the Regurgitator
The Place:        Amerindo sub-Continent, Eleemosynary Compound, Babelopolis Regional University, Amphitheater/auditorium 7…
The Occasion: A meeting (colligation) of Paleo-anthropologists…  
The Time: September 27, 6271 EGAD
The scene: A wizened arthropod croaks at length into a microphone from a central dais and showers the audience with  sounds like squeaks,
croaks, sneezes, guttural vocalizations, coughing, spitting and mucus rattling in a deep throat…

Translation:

As you know, due to the current state of our knowledge, no one in recent memory has attempted to explain how everything came about in
the ‘old animal’ world. After all, things then were obviously in such a mess, with all the creatures warring, reproducing, eating, being eaten
(and so forth), that making some sense of it has always been the supreme challenge for us moderns, in spite of our superior expertise and
technological intelligence. But now there does appear to be a tiny speck of light at the end of that vast and gloomy tunnel of ignorance.
(Sounds of hacking and spitting.) Unfortunately, we cannot begin to appreciate the chain of events under examination without a modest
amount of preliminary speculation: speculation that, shall we say, must go beyond serious objection. (New sounds of what seems to be a
long drawn out but muffled fart.)
Slide 1: To make a longer story shorter, you will recall the first clue on
the page of our nascent investigation came suddenly in the form of the
perpendicular prefeasibility you see exhibited in the slide to the left. This
impossibly knurly artifact, discovered in the ruins of a pre-apocalyptic
Shit Eater dwelling (apparently called a gar-bage or garage) in primitive
and possibly mythical Las AngLa, was apparently a form of teaching
device for the display of evolutionary theory by what undoubtedly passed
for the raw sources of recordable  information available in those dreary
times. To verify this for yourselves, you must notice that a colorfully
decorated carving is mounted on a rotating stage attached to a galvanized
pipe, which rotates inside another pipe, the lower of which is bolted to
another stage consisting of two steps or layers. Further, inside the lower
pipe is a sphere (not visible here) upon which the upper pipe rests, in
order to facilitate the rotation of the colorful teaching device/figure etc.  
Actually, the absurdly simple pipe arrangement functions quite well to
allow for effortless revolutions of the “evolutionary lessons.”  
Leaving aside for the moment the significance of the pipes, platforms, the sphere, the rotations and the steps, it is singularly apparent
that our eyes are first drawn ineluctably to the two birdlike figures whose specie resemblance is depicted so prominently with yellow
beaks, white eye circlets, red heads and necks. Obviously, the lesson is that as time goes by (i.e. as the apparatus revolves) little birds
(or other animals by example) grow up to be bigger brained versions of themselves….Yet some may argue with perfect correctness that
the reverse may also be true: That is to say, big brained birds (or animals) may shrink in size over time to acquire smaller brains just as
easily.. These conclusions are simply obvious, depending on the direction of the rotations, or as some will insist, on the direction of
‘revolutions’. If there is anyone here who wishes to mount a serious objection to these rational rotational revolutionary speculations,
please do not do so yet and allow me to finish. (After a pregnant pause, the speaker says:  So? Let us proceed to the next slide.

With remarkable compactness and brevity, after only a 45 degree counter clockwise rotation, we are next presented with a startling but
at first rather baffling tableau. Yet careful examination of this surface reveals, in the raw terms of evolutionary development, that an
enormous leap over millions of mutations and stages has deliberately been obscured.  
The long long view:

Slide 2: Here we shall begin with what is stunningly obvious even to the
naked eye:  the awesome Lizard like humanoid clothed in a magnificently
decorated shawl or robe, whose ineffably saurian visage is decked in what
appears visibly as nothing less than an ancient ‘authoritarian hat.’

[Immediately, a cacophonous prattle of insecticidal sounds including
squeaks, chirps, trills, rattles and shrills resounds through the auditorium
for nearly ten minutes before a semblance of order is restored. Then the
narrative continues.]

As you can see, the image here is of a magnitude and order far above the
previous commonplace. It is a leap from an age dominated by rare and
exotic animals to the pristine dawn of kingdoms and dynasties that will one
day raise great stone edifices and temples into the sky.
Now some of you howl and cry out that what I have said is absurd, that surely I greatly exaggerate the facts, that I have lost my
critical perspective and am merely reveling and groveling and pandering to an audience in order to postulate a preposterous and totally
impractical point of view. Nevertheless I am determined to continue…and as you are well aware, scholarly objectivity requires that
you allow me to have my say…{immediately another great cacophony erupts, sounding like howls of vowels and consonants
shredded and crushed to a greasy paste, then exuded from the bowels of a mega phonic arachnidan colossus…}Then, a pregnant
silence prevails and again the narrative resumes.        

The immediate and critical observations necessary to understand the details of this marvelous theory of revolutions are a matter of
considerable dispute. But, a preliminary consensus has emerged among the proponents of what is now  referred to as ‘the oviparous
point of view.’ For the purpose of discussion, henceforth the saurian figure will be referred to as Homo Erectus Lizardoidus
Officialis (or HELO). Now, as you see, over HELO’s left shoulder is draped a decorative shawl which falls both forward and
backward where it terminates just above the smaller of the two birdlike figures (see slide one).  Hundreds of tiny symbolustic eggs
(some brown, some green) are strewn all about and across this decorous garment. As to their significance, most epigraphers and
rotational theorists here today conjecture that this parade of eggs is meant to represents immense generations of life forms spread
over eons of time. Furthermore, prominent among these multitudinous eggs occur other more complex figures: a super egg for
example speckled with blue, and two anthropomorphic faces with
arguably simian characteristics. Surely, if there is any veracity to the
argument that “Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny,” this arrangement of
symbols is meant to portray evolution…that all life arose from simpler
life forms out of a vast morass of time.  

Slide 3:  Next, following another counter clockwise rotation of about 45
degrees, there appears at first glance to be a full faced view of the
HELO figure, but this interpretation is not supported by a more careful
examination of the view. While the eyes and to some extent the jaw line
share an undoubted similarity both in color, shape and size, there is no
symmetry to other facial features, including the ears, nose, cheeks and
mouth. In fact, there is what seems to be a deliberate smearing of facial
characteristics, suggesting one figure is somehow only bonded on to the
another. Unfortunately the slide photo here does not provide the focal
quality necessary to reveal this oddity very well, the oddness of which is
much more apparent in the carving itself. But the next rotation will make
this conclusion dead obvious.      
Slides 4 and 5: Clearly Homo Erectus
Lizardoidus Officialis (HELO) is no
longer being represented here. Instead
we see unmistakably in relief the
visage of a much more modern
humanoid wearing a flowing
headdress or perhaps even a crown.
Great strength and confidence seem
to be hallmarks of his reclining neck
and head. The eye is set well back
from a prominent nose, the lips are
full and sensual, the ear technically
accurate as to the pinna and external
auditory meatus (the meaty passage
leading to the ear drum).
Conclusions:

This astonishing sequence of images strongly suggests that the primitive hominids of the 20th century and in particular the Van
Nusian Shit Eaters, were well aware of the gross details of evolutionary history. Furthermore, at least some of them were
technically brilliant carvers and sculptors whose extant works demonstrate a highly evolved application of symbolism and
craftsmanship.  What museum today would not be thrilled to acquire such a masterpiece?  

Abruptly here the translation ends. Why? Because what followed is simply impossible to describe in ancient English.  Its primitive
vocalizations simply lack the sophistication required to express, for example,  the vocabulary produced by complex verbal
stridulations, atonal phonemes, and morphologic pheromones associated with the some 120,000 odd nuances of  mandibular  
ejaculations…
About the speaker:
The distinguished linguistic-paleo-anthro-apologist Meldrick the Regurgitator
has achieved international renown for his awesome digressions concerning
the primitive ways and means of ancient humans.  His essays, tape
recordings, and seminal re-productions— which have spanned the full gamut
of archaic humanoid remains, behaviors and mentations—have both delighted
and enthralled generations of egg clutches,  other old fellows, and a host of
kindred professionals. He lives with his aging but still rapacious spouse in the
Eleemosynary Compound at Babelopolis Regional University, where he tends
to a spectacular collection of Butterfly Milkweeds…
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