Adjunct Archive: Email of the Eucalyptic Brotherhood
Sunday, November 22, 2009, 3:12 PM
Dear Fellows of the Society,
As you know, the elusive Doktur Zzyzx has returned from his ambulations (up the tube) in the Andes with news of a possibly portentous
predisposition to perpetrate another hoax of the usual anthropogenic sort. We suspect the shadowy Sardukar may be involved somehow, but we
here at the archive are not as familiar with the antics of the wily professor as are the two of you. Attached find the article printed in Artsy Fartsy
in case you refuse to visit the polluted web rag which Zzyzx uses to promote his nefarious schemes. Photos of the artifact Zzyzy claims he found
in the Fig nest are even now being pilfered from his clandestine web site by the notorious web bandit Ugh the Shifty, and I will forward them as
soon as I have succeeded in acquiring them at the going price. The Nagual Elias has also consented to contribute to the investigation. As you
know, Zzyzy has referred to the artifact as "The Eagle's Gift," but we are all aware, I'm sure, that "Nothing in this world is a gift. Whatever has to
be learned must be learned the hard way..."
Archivist and Corresponding Secretary of the Society
Ear-Shaped Artifact Baffles Experts, Challenges Cultural Apologists
By E. Ike, Artsy Fartsy Reporter at large
Chapter Eleven: The Eagle's Gift or Skulduggery Indeed
Having returned recently from a prolonged and bug ridden vacation into the snake
infested Amazonian highlands, the noted professor of anthropology, Doktur
A. Zzyzx, who professes to be capable of distinguishing at least 5 different species
of howling monkey, the giant river otter, 4000 birds, and 2700 insects, has
announced, with his usual dramatic flair, the discovery of an object [dubbed The
Eagle’s Gift] which has stumped the combined collective of egg fanciers typically
concerned with the identification and elucidation of such insignificant matters.
According to the good Doktur, he was ‘somewhere out in the jungle’ hot on the trail
of a cantankerous “Wiretailed Manikin” when he tripped over an enormous hive of
the dreaded Amazonian Black Ant. Scrambling to preserve what was left of his
epidermal birthright, Zzyzx ran for his life down an unknown trail, until his wits
were freed of the paralyzing trauma he had only (by the grace of the gods) barely
avoided. Now winded by the close shave he had experienced, he paused beside the
roots of one of those gigantic strangler figs, when his eye was drawn to something
unusual perched within a large artificial nest woven among the tangled roots of the
fig at just above eye level. In the meantime, a search party sent to deduce the
whereabouts of the intrepid Doktur had located the hive over which Zzyzx had
stumbled and was making its way down the very trail on which the rattled
entrepreneur had so recently meandered. This proved to be a felicitous coincidence,
as the object Zzyzx had discovered weighed close to 100 pounds (avoirdupois)
making it impossible for the elderly professor to retrieve it by himself. (The closest
tourist shack in the jungle was well over 12 miles away.) Back at the ‘Amazon
place’ which was owned and managed by indigenous Quechua descendants of the
Incas, where Zzyzx had been staying during his snarky bird watching phase, the
staff was delighted to provide the cleaning service required to remove the layers of
bird guano which apparently preserved the artifact from the innumerable boring,
drilling, tunneling insects whose lives are spent reducing jungle matter to its lowest
Having set matters right with bribes of the local authorities, Zzyzx had the object lugged out of the interior of the Andes by mule train, to Quito,
capital of Ecuador ( population 6.8 million), where university regents and others had enthusiastically gathered to speculate upon the significance of
“the find.” Unfortunately, 4.2 million words later, there was still no consensus about the artifact, the intention of its makers, their identity or tribal
origin. And that, mercifully, is where matters largely rest at the present. Detailed photos of the thing, said to be available at Zzyzx’s clandestine
website, may reveal additional clues as to its function or purpose, but nobody seems to know the URL to access the appropriate web pages.
Anyone interested in pursuing this topic further is invited to proceed at his own risk…
November 20, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009, 2:39 PM
Subject: Announcement from Oklahoma Jimmie
TO: All my acolytes, devout worshippers, fans and erstwhile toadies
FROM: Oklahoma Jimmie
I am most pleased to inform you that the Antiquities Division of that venerable supporter of the crypto-interpretative sciences (i.e., Van Nuys Bail
Bonds, Thrift Shops, and Fast Foods, Inc.), has commissioned yours truly to employ my unique archeomystic skills for examination of the
recently discovered ear-like artifact known as "The Eagle's Gift." To date, I have been unable to gain access to the actual object and have only
managed to examine the available photographic evidence. I do have the distinct privilege, however, of employing the 'Cyclopean Eye and Solar
Furnace' which is well-known as the most symbol-sensitive scientific instrument ever conceived for analysis of allegorical typification. This finely-
honed tool was, of course, made available by the generosity of my beloved teacher and mentor, the Magus of the Immaculate Perception.
While results are preliminary, I can note that this artifact was clearly fashioned by the hands of a master. The artistry, craftsmanship and creative
conception are truly impeccable. Of special interest is the reaction of the Cyclopean Eye and Solar Furnace when initially focused on the object.
There is no question but what it began immediately to emit sparks of consciousness and even warmed to the touch as if greeting an old friend.
There seems to be a high probability that what we have here is recognition of a brethren mechanism undoubtedly an original psychic adjunct of the
Master of the Inner Ear. How this came to be an apparent embranchment of a strangler fig in the Amazon jungles of Ecuador is mystery most
deserving of my talents. More to come.
Thursday, December 10, 2009, 3:32 PM
Dear Okie Jimmie
As you know, I am a big fan of yours, and that's why I 'm passing along some preliminary observations and photos I pilfered from Zzyzx's
clandestine website (known for its undocumented claims, outright bogusness, and silly plots of the most infantile kind.) I can't speak for the
authenticity of the evidence, unfortunately, as the carving does not appear to be finished yet. Photo content may be only temporary static subject
to the carver's whim, inclinations and the degree and frequency of his illegal medical smoking habit. Still, as you are apparently engaged in
important research vis a vis "The Eagle’s Gift," I thought perhaps you might find profit and reward from the attached, which has only recently
come to my attention as well. What do you make of it?
With all due respect, yours truly
Ugh the Shifty
“Warriors speak of shamanism as a magical, mysterious bird which has paused in its
flight for a moment in order to give man hope and purpose; warriors live under the wing
of that bird…”
“Awareness is the Eagles food…the Eagle devours the awareness of all the creatures that
have floated to the Eagle’s beak…To sneak around the Eagle [like a butterfly] and be free
is the ultimate audacity.”
Ugh’s Brief But Scintillating Interpretation of “The Eagle’s Gift” [Revised by E. Ike]
The Nagual Elias “…was a dreamer and so good at it that he covered the most recondite
places in the universe in a bodiless state. Sometimes he even brought back objects that
had attracted his eye because of the lines of their design, objects that were
incomprehensible. He called them inventions. …I want you to focus your recapitulation
attention on these inventions, Florinda commanded me.”
After retching all over my computer screen upon surfing Zzyzx’s crummy website, I was immediately struck by the obvious parallel between the
title Zzyzx gave to the artifact and the literary work by the internationally renowned shaman’s apprentice, Carlos Castaneda. Don Juan was surely
correct in his assessment of a fundamental fact of reality: “Nothing in this world is a gift. Whatever has to be learned must be learned the hard
way…” I am personally absolutely convinced of that. As a result, I was compelled to review all important documents provided by CC, to
determine which explanations might bear upon an interpretation of the object which Zzyzx claims to have found in a meat sibling nest in the
Amazon. However, even I was not prepared for the following startling list of coincidences:
"Nothing being more important than anything else, a warrior chooses any act [like
carving?] and acts it out as if it mattered to him. His controlled folly makes him say that
what he does matters and makes him act as if it did, and yet he knows that it doesn’t…"
The art of stalking is learning all the quirks of your disguise and learning them so well
that no one will know you’re disguised…"
“When faced with odds that cannot be dealt with,
warriors retreat for a moment. They let their
minds wander. They occupy their time with
something else [like carving]. That is the fifth
principle of stalking.”
“Only a crackpot would undertake the task of
becoming a man of knowledge of his own
accord. A sober-headed man has to be tricked
into doing it. There are scores of people who
would gladly undertake the task, but they don’t
count. They are usually cracked…”
“Knowledge comes to a warrior, floating, like
specks of gold dust, the same dust that covers
the wings of moths…”
Friday, December 11, 2009, 2:05 PM
Subject: skulduggery indeed, the plot thickens
Dear Maestro Ike:
I was delighted to receive the carving photos accompanied by the astucious words of our departed brother c.c. Was immediately struck by the
luculent similitude in symbosophic style between the apparent contemporary carving in progress and the presumed ancient carving of the
primordial "Eagle's Gift" ear. Two immediate possibilities come to mind: (1) the ear is not in fact an aged exotic artifact, but a contemporary fraud.
This raises the question of how it came to be fully embedded in the Amazonian boughs of what seems to be clearly a giant strangler fig tree of
considerable antiquity; (2) the contemporary carving betakes of an ancient carving tradition which continues with corybantic purity into the
present. If so, is there other independent evidence of this continuing tradition? You suggest, without great subtlety, that your sources are suspect.
I wonder if you would be willing to elaborate a bit more on this? I am adamant in bringing the unshadowed light of denuded cypher ratiocination
to bear on this puzzle and would greatly appreciate any metagrobolizing you might be willing to offer.
Regarding our meat-sib c.c., I often wonder if he himself was able to escape the Eagle's beak. I occasionally recommence to have dreamings in
which he appears although most defy ready meaningfulness. In one, a few months ago, he told me had purchased a new vehicle, 'a bug'. I
naturally assumed that he meant a Volkswagen. But when he showed it to me it was literally a giant bug-- what is commonly known as a sow
bug, or rolly polly. He crawled on through a hinged carapace on top and drove away singing "We're off to see the Wizard...".
PS: Notice, for once, I have attached the photographic evidence...
Let us proceed directly to the question. Is there evidence of the tradition of corybantic purity
embedded into the cipher content of the artifact now generally referred to as “The Eagle’s
Gift”? I have gone over the available data pilfered from the wacko website with great care and
found, after washing some of the crummiest photos through digital ‘filters’, that there are
more details than first meet the eye of the beholder. Metagrobolistic analysis reveals, for
example, the sign of the wood pecker etched below the emblematic bird's eye here. Perhaps
this is the corroboration you seek with respect to the corybantic purity issue? As I understand
it, attendants of the Phrygian Goddess Cybele followed her while engaging in dancing and
frenzied orgies…surely there would have been some rather big peckers dangled about during
those festivities. Note that this bird’s eye view of the right eye of the warrior figure reveals
not only the faint etch of the wood pecker sign….but also the vaginal shape of the nose with a
“joy button” which at minimum suggest libidinous influences at work (subconsciously
perhaps), in the mind of the carver. Syntactically, from the point of view of the grammar of
rubrics, this says, “an eye for prick action and a nose for pussy.” Unless we are mistaken
about basic premises, these details would seem to meet the minimum morphological
substantives required by Cybele of her attendants. Further cyber analysis of the symbolustic
content associated with the ‘Eagle’s Gift’ has culminated in the following rather slick but also
slithery chain of reasoning.
Saturday, December 12, 2009, 11:27 AM
Subject: An Ughanomics Project
Dear Fellows of the Pine Society:
Our policy of keeping everyone informed about random matters, although it has provoked some repute from others,
requires me to pass along this tip on garage tactics. Because the elderly (i.e. me) suffer an energy drain associated
with constant stooping, squatting, bending over and the resulting rigors of mortis, California Medicaid has
consented to adding "mobility vehicles" such as battery powered chairs etc. to plans covering 470,000 elderly,
native born Californians. A self-propelled version of such a vehicle [enclosure one] is now being made available to a
select few senior citizens for trial purposes. Should you wish to participate in the trial, contact Manny at The Sugar
Shackup for details...
Saturday, December 12, 2009, 6:57 PM
Subject: Your Ughanomics Project
Dear Kind Sir:
We here at the Home for the Criminally Inane received your offer of a free stool with unmeasurable rapture. We want one and feel we are
supremely qualified by virtue of our many infirmities and general decrepitude. Further, because of our affliction we have lived lives subject to
every jolting, combusting, dissolving, falling off or out, dispersing, rotting, bursting, flaking, and other emotional and physical insults of this
crushing world. We do have one small design suggestion. Could you put a hole in the seat so one wouldn't have to leave the stool to take a shit?
Maestro Ike's Preliminary Metagrobalistic Analysis of the Artifact Known as "The Eagle's Gift"
[The Compacted, Condensed, Unexpurgated Version]
December 12, 2009, 12:17 PM... etc.
Saturday, December 12, 2009, 7:36 PM
Astucious cogniance my friend, and mucky with facundity--just the way I like my exegesis. I'm wondering if we verge on the espial of something
really major. Is it possible that the sensory augmentation devices of the Lords of Sensorysphignostics (i..e., The Magus of the Immaculate
Perception, Pharaonic Snuff II of The Knowing Nose, and The Monger-Master of the Inner Ear) are all incorporated in this single carving? If
so, what does it all mean? Have you felt any drafts in your sensitive areas lately? One should be very, very careful in fooling around with
unknown cognitive prosthetics. My own beleaguered mind/body relationship is testimony to that. Rest assured Ike, I will try my best to see that
you come to no harm. Keep up the propitious elucubration my friend.
Sincerely, Okie Jimmie
Lepidopteric opti callousness has revealed that the family of butterflies which best matches the set of stigmata
apparent in the photo at right is the Satyrs (Satyridae) so called because of their “dancing flight through the
woodlands.” According to “The Butterfly Book,” [Little, Brown and Company, 1991] most “Satyrs are brown
with striking eye spots on their wings (p. 85). Their drab color allows them to blend in with their background,
their first line of defense against predators. It is conjecture but some authorities believe satyr eye spots are
meant to lure predators, deflecting their attention from the vulnerable body toward the wings. Birds and
lizards that attack satyrs often leave beak and bite marks along the margins of the wings.
We here at Ike’s Photosynthesis Lab now suspect, however, that this image is intended to represent something
along the lines of “butterfly crack” if you get my drift…This interpretation is partly the result of our suspicion
that the lower figure in the photo is a predatory moth attempting to harass the butterfly’s tail, i.e. is after some
butterfly crack…We further suspect that the cracks in the carving in general preceded the carving process,
which leads to the tantalizing conclusion that the artist deliberately chose to fashion the images directly on the
surfaces where cracking had already occurred. CC’s interpretation, of course, seems to suggest our theory is
of only secondary relevance because the next sacred photo shows that the two flies are merely trying to avoid
the beak of the Eagle poised with rampant fixation precisely over them: i.e. “To sneak around the Eagle and be
free is the ultimate audacity.”
I am further reminded of the venerable
proverb “Eagles do not catch flies” but I
am not convinced that adage contains
any relevance for the delicate insider
knowledge you seek. Whatever the case,
I do not envy you the task of attempting
a full blown exegesis of the artifact as I
am beginning to suspect the carver had
no comprehensive understanding of what
he was carving in the first place…
perhaps he was only occupying his time
with something like the fifth principle of stalking…That would seem to explain the peculiar heart like enumeration exposed in the final photo. Do
please keep me informed of any breakthroughs you experience in your quest for astucious luculence. I have no doubt that lucubrations liberally
lubricated with extract of hemp will deter you from limicolous limitations.
Journey well old friend…
Sunday, December 13, 2009, 2:22 PM
Subject: Further Complications
We here at the lab are still groping for some propitious, mentatious foothold to ascend to the Eagle's aerie, where we expect to find evidence of the
espial about which you speak. Would you care to provide us with any clues you may have gleaned from your own somewhat cautious
incantations? Sensory augmentation comes in so many leafy forms that I confess to being under the influence of one even at present. I pass this
pipe in the hope that this email finds you hale and hearty, bubbling with the blush of post peregrination purity pursuant to your recent travels south
of the border. I myself am unaware at present of any drafts affecting my sensitive areas, but that is probably only a temporary condition as I am
wearing long john underwear due to the severe climate we are experiencing hereabouts of late.
PS: As you know, taking a piece of advice from “Principles of Onanism for the Handless” (e.g. If you can’t get a handle on it, find somebody else
who can), the Lords of Sensorysphignostics turned to all manner of cognitive prosthetics in their attempts to unravel the mysteries of libidinous
auto erect trajectory consciousness. From non-strenuous mental exercises (e.g. wet dream therapy) to shacked-up-generian shock treatments to
kinky Pantagruelian encounter groups and proctologic archeomystic panty raids (as well as prone postprandial unguent of testes tasting), just about
everything you or anyone else can imagine was tried-- to no substantial availment whatsoever…the old were simply going to be left to their own
devices. A 100% effective sex toy, a proper psychic adjunct, whatever the mechanism, was simply never going to be available.
From “Lost Kinks and kicks and Their Generic Cost” by Claus von Dinkle-pfeiffer, Professor of the Impossible, Department of Psychology,
University of Guelph, SE Ontario, Canada
Best wishes for the holidays, although I remain indifferent myself to such energy draining asocializing...
Wednesday, December 16, 2009, 4:51 PM
Subject: curious indeed
You subdolous old vulpine. You know how much I love id-mucky and just can't resist the opportunity to smite your old boneless friend with the
tetchy and pitiless retrospectives of dwindled capacities. It all calls to time the Magus and I went prospecting for G-spots with the Cyclopean Eye.
We singed a lot of hair pie but never found a single one leading us to the conclusion that it was probably a myth promoted by the muliebral gender
to blame their arousal inadequacies on defective male technique. Never heard of this Claus von Dinkle-pfeiffer fellow and can't quite figure out
whether he is friend or foe. As for me, and I suspect you as well, hope flares eternal of getting it up again and foaming at the tip with bona fide
orgasmic fruition. I hear there is a tribe in the Amazon that feed their old men with the sap of a special vine and then provide them with all the
women between ages of 15 and 50 and give them one night to satisfy them all. Legend has it that no old man has ever failed at this task. Never
give up Ike, never, never give up.
Your old amigo,
Thursday, December 17, 2009, 2:56 PM
Subject: A Tale of Painful Gibbosities
Never to worry…I have no intention of falling into the slothful ways of the muliebral gender.
My web directory is even now swollen with the URL’s of hundreds of porn queens and thousands of amateur exhibitionists who compete on a
daily basis to titillate the enthusiastically twaty with turbo charged tenacity. And I have recently stumbled upon information which I hesitate to
reveal at so early a stage of my peripatetic meta-phallus project. What I can say is this.
It seems in the distant past, in the Earldom of Dracunculus, there lived in the village known as Filaria medinensis a draffsack of unknown origin
(lazy gluttonous bastard) whose single claim to fame was the perpetuation of goatish Ignicolism [roasting goat genetalia in association with
ceremonies involving fire worship]. Furthermore, it is written in the Ecclesiography of Eccrisis (an archaic investigation of ‘excretion’) that the
Earl of Ear-wig was so taken with the side affects of the festivities that he permitted an ecdysis and roasting of his own private parts as a result of
the machinations of a strolling beggar, a Gibbering Gaberlunzie, by the name of Fingle Fangle who was notorious also for his budding
beadsmanship. Now, what was left of the dangling gibbosities that were so painfully removed from the Earl of Ear-wig later fell somehow into the
possession of a jobbernowl by the name of Klemphfeiffer Ickanus who was the village carpenter. Ickanus it seems later fashioned a dark
jabbowacker along the lines of the Earl’s sizzled gibbosities, and promoted this object as an aid to the elderly who suffered from timorous
tumefaction. This Ickanus creature was also rumored to have mastered the dark practices of orgasmic fruition after long hours of instruction and
conversation with Fingle Fangle, whose long shanks had propelled him even unto the backwaters of the Amazon where he spent a prolonged period
among savage tribes whose knowledge of medicinal vines proved to be plenipotential with potent possibilities. In fact, the jabbowacker itself was
fashioned from the remains of a thick curved vine which Fingle Fangle had in his possession when he convinced the Earl to offer his gibbosities to
the Fire Goddess…
Is there any chance that you might have returned from your recent pulmonary exercise south of the border with seeds taken from any exotic vines?
Breathless with vulpine anticipation,
Christmas Special Edition
December 25, 2009
Astro-gasm for Master Blasters
By E. Ike, Artsy Fartsy reporter at large
Lord Jimmie of Lords of London based Sensorysphignostics (LLC) has announced the inception of Phase I online trials for the company’s latest
revolutionary gamer console. This unique, one-of-a-kind, 21st Century techno-gadget promises to augment all aspects of extra-personal
relationships regardless of sexual orientation, body type, race, creed or color preferences. Astro-gasm’s orbicular oscillating lick Rodger with lip
rogue tacticals and suction-side steam sanitator is well worth the sticker price of $9,969.99 (wink, wink). Previews of its highly publicized factory
specifications suggest its high voltage pneumatic inflatable butter ball mounted atop a stainless steel blister-free succu-buster (the statoscope is
extra) will be the envy of every other pecker frying pubic product on the market.
Rave-hyper publicity indicates the following features will be offered entirely free of manufacturers’ legal obligations, and although the product
comes with no implied guarantees whatsoever, pre-store sales figures have shattered all expectations of the merchandising committee at **LLS.
(All Astro-gasms come equipped with a lap cooker rocking chair crony and a year’s free subscription to Mame’s Mammalarian Muscle Palace and
Master Blasters will undoubtedly be absolutely thrilled with Astro-gasm’s stark-naked, star-studded Stromboli Tittilitorium complete with magnetic
plasma-field fondle finger stellarator and adjuncted stink free stereophonic stewardess (includes stern stirrups) as well as the complete line of
stalking horse bone accessories with standard rigging and stud horse whip (a year’s supply of stomodeum storage batteries for the streptocock not
And who could resist the strawberry flavored anti-strabismic strappado strap-on supplied with stridulous striptease stringency modulator and
astringently stunning stupefaction styptic, let alone the waterproof subaqueous conjugator with miniaturized subordinate claws, submachine gun
suction and sudden sack bubbler. What homo with any sapiens could ignore the soggy id-morphic fudge package with halitosis of id spermicidal
foam distributor and sudden death suffocation suppressor which combines a smirk of sullage minimizer and stroke damper with a superinduced
supine symplication shagger and anti-bloating feature (factory installed).
Astro-gasm’s patented laryngo-scopic rhythm randomizer (i.e. Rio Grande Shower Queen Robotics applied to Roman Road Hog rotary roulade
(with your choice of swap meat) has now incorporateda state of the art latex stilsuit graphics-sphincter interface, rust proof gizz dispenser, and an
all-purpose spandex lined heating pad by Molly Coddles. This item features a simonized linoleum throw rug with chain mounted, adjustable easy
clean manacles (fur lined).But the piece de resistance for all end users will undoubtedly remain Astro-gasm’s ram-torqued V2 pudenda (self-
lubricating) with its ¾ horsepower reciprocating clutch, power module, and ergonomic liquid crystal display for all mouse metrics (comes with its
own medically calibrated defibrillator and Viagra valet) and world class battery powered pocket appendulator with programmable bimbo and
moisturizing grunge dialer (an essential item for any ambitious third world traveler).
Revisionist Tendencies December 30, 2009
To: Members of the Eucalyptic Society to whom it will be of no concern whatsoever...
From: The Honorable Archivist him-silly
Subject: Finding one's way around the garage, the improved version
The Committee for Tool-witty Trans-ponderers has, after 1722 days of continuous deliberations, finally reached agreement with respect to at least
one outstanding issue which has plagued our membership for the previous decade: to whit, the highways and byways (links) of sausage which
serve to connect the multifarious anamorphoses we must all surrender to eventually. [Trans: We have finally picked the entropic pics. ] Countless
god-zillions of man hours have been squandered in the process, in the vain hope that clueless visitors to the Holy Website for Dotless Garage
Drudges will be able to find their way around, in, out, over, and beyond all the previous dead ends, ingenious cul-de-sacks, subterranean
dis-locations and deliberate obstreperous obstacles. Feel free to visit the appropriate URL to confirm what new infirmities are the result of these
tolerably officious osculations. Indeed, we are also delighted to report that the intro-pictic-panoply [chapter by chapter] has itself been proctolized
with a new wave of zit free photos selected for their similarities to those living personalities (ourselves) whose erratic endeavors are responsible for
the vorticose quagmire in the first place. Any similarity between the photos, the characters and the living in this chapter is purely intentional...
Artsy Fartsy, memo
TO: Friends of the Arts, Chili Dogs and Naked Women
FROM: A.K.A. Khan, Executive Editor, Artsy Fartsy
As many of you may have already heard, we are planning a forthcoming special issue of Artsy Fartsy that will focus exclusively on the Southern
California Garage School of the Neo-Primitive Post-Outsider Non-Ism Movement. Artsy Fartsy is widely acknowledged as the premier journal in
clitical studies and the only extant publication that subsumes all of the fine arts (e.g., painting, sculpture, photography, pornography, etc.), all of the
applied arts and crafts (e.g., pottery. horticulture, fashion, weaving, carpentry, religiosity, etc.), as well as fiction, drama, poetry, pseudoscience
and/or anything else that can result in symbolic typification.
We are also the only pretentious intellectual journal which takes clitical studies seriously in all of its ramifications and each special issue includes a
notable treat-- a tasteless nude centerfold where the clitoris is clearly discernible for the educated viewer. This centerfold is delicately scented and
exudes an alluring female musk taken directly from the model’s twat to provide the full multi-sensory experience. We ensure that the musk is non-
hazardous by obtaining F.D.A. certification and readers who wish to explore the centerfold with their tongue can rest assured that personal safety
issues have been fully accommodated. Our centerfold models must have first rate appurtenances, an aesthetic central furrow and pre-modern
minds. Those selected for this accolade are also required to submit a tautologous cant-laden article for the issue in which they get naked and
spread their legs. Recent issues, for example, have featured: Professor Polly Pudendum’s “Deconstruction of the G spot: Popeye’s corncob,
scented oils, and the objective correlate” and Dr. Dilberry-Bush’s “Curse of the Period in Grammar and Gynecology.” As should be obvious, we
pride ourselves on appealing to an enlightened constituency of orchidaceous illuminati.
By way of this memo, we are soliciting our readership to submit nominees for the illustrious honor of being the centerfold for the special issue
featuring the Garage School. A special committee of old farts will review all nominations and select the finalists. These committee members, of
course, pay handsomely for this opportunity and are provided with all the free chili dogs they can eat. It is one of the many masterly ways that
Artsy Fartsy is able to sustain financial solvency while tending to the needs of our beloved senior citizens.
I look forward to receiving your nominations.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
La Casa Citizen Alert: Wanted: Exanimate or Zoetic
Authorities at La Casa Sanatarium for the Non Compos, Irritating and/or Balmy announced today that one
of their inmates has gone missing. Apparently, Jimmie Walkbout has done just that. He was assigned to
the 'Mellow Yellow' wing of the facility, where each client is required to build his own cage, and escapes
are not uncommon. (Note: It is well known that all simply go build the same cage somewhere else. This
too, is considered part of the therapeutic paradoxical injunction.)
Jimmie for days before was thought to be exhibiting libidinous urges to have phone sex with dictionaries.
His rehabilitation regimen required that he sleep on a bed composed solely of used napkins within which
was embedded one of his favorite masturbatory fantasy photos. The theory involved avoidance
conditioning, but it was quickly discovered that he liked the bed much too much and it was not serving its
intended function. Although generally considered harmless, Jimmie has been known to disconcert the
unwary with his sardonic sashay and a propensity for unseemly fondling of his pet naked mole rat. He also
has an arsenal of verbal formulates [e.g.,The Proem Qualia; the Flatulent Rhetorical; The Otiose Catena;
The Noetic Nonce Trope) which may be deployed, more or less aggressively, at any time towards anyone.
To better inform the public and help in efforts to return this pathetic callipygian votary of logorrhea to our
not for profit facility, we offer a recent photograph of his ignominious countenance for identification.
From The Parlor of Nefertieri Franghipani, Pubic-arch Priestess, Church of the Mango Gnostics
To Jimmie Walkabout, CEO, House of the Seven Jimmies (in care of La Casa Postmaster)
Subject: New Panty Line
As you can see from the attached photo, I’m wearing this awful and uncomfortable blue rag because I cannot
find clothing suitable to my status as High Priestess of the Irvine See through the Church of the Mango
Gnostics. In fact, after only a few minutes of exposure to this outfit, my crotch is visibly raw from constant
friction with the garment. I’m sure you can imagine just how irritable it can be to have one’s most delicate fruit
abused by such ill-fitting vestments. Our credo, apostolic vision and Holy Orders require all vestal maidens to
display clearly and without quibble, embarrassment or complaint absolutely all (every tiny bit) of our God given
physical attributes (consistent with proper hygiene of course), in order to celebrate the spark of divine substance
which we share with the Holy Mother herself.
Therefore, because your reputation in the fashion world is unparalleled and because I so much admire your Regal
Strolling Regalia and Rambling Frock Ensemble, I was wondering if you might be interested in a collaboration of
mutual benefit for the both of us. If you are agreeable, I propose that we meet discreetly in my parlor to allow
you the opportunity to photograph and measure the affected area for both me and the other eleven virgins on my
staff. Then, it is my dearest hope that you would design and manufacture a line of slim and transparent panties
(one for each day of the week) for us which we will then exhibit and market to the congregation world wide;
say for a 60/40 ‘split’ of the profits? Your take being 60% of course. Please feel free to call upon us for any
additional assistance you might require, including arranging for a temporary authorization of release for you from
La Casa. Hoping to hear from you soon, I remain one of your most devoted fashion fans. Let’s get it together,
get it up, and get on with it. What do you say?
All my love and π, your adoring fan,
Dubbed the Emperor of Fashion,
the notorious J.W. continues to
fascinate females with low IQ
One thing that really gets art aficionados by the ‘balls’ is a mystery. They
just can’t stand not knowing something that nobody else knows about a
famous painter, his personal life, his models, or his out-of-the-frame
peccadilloes. It’s natural, I suppose, for fans to want to have intimate
knowledge of the subject of their lifelong passion, adoration, obsession…and
such is certainly the case with respect to the Dotty dot painting you see
here. A recent appraisal by Claus von Hertz Im Ehelich-Verbinden of the
prestigious Getty Museum of Modern Art in Los Angeles has Dotty fans
abuzz with green-eyed anticipation. Although few ‘outsiders’ outside of a
tight circle of family or friends can lay claim to ownership of a ‘classic
Dotty,’ it is expected that lamentable circumstance may be about to change
once the zeros following the dollar sign for the latest appraisal begin to sink
Yet, that potential eventuality is not the most interesting aspect of the story.
The fact is, nobody seems to know (or is willing to say) who presently
owns this particular Dotty classic, titled “Surprising Irvine Couple,” nor why
it was painted in the first place. The imagery here, of course, evokes a wide
array of artistic antecedents, from The Queen of Hearts in “Alice in
Wonderland” to Sam Spade, Private Eye.” In some card ‘readings’, the
Queen of Hearts is said to represent a woman in “love, home oriented,
supportive, not ambitious for self,” while the Wikipedia online free
encyclopedia identifies the King of Spades as representative of a person who
is intelligent and authoritative in judgment, and who is not easy to get along
with. In the art of card fortune telling, the King of Spades is interpreted as a
dishonest lawyer. Originally, western cards were supposed to teach ancient
history and the King of Spades, with his lyre and sword, represented King
Dotty Painting Appraised at Getty for 12.8 Million…$...
However, none of this appears to have any bearing on the purpose or interpretation for which Dotty’s work was intended. Why? Simply
because of the title: “Surprising Irvine Couple.” In other words, the couple in the painting are not historical personages at all. But who then
are the two individuals, the Irvine residents, represented by the figures of the King and Queen? Obviously, that is the $64,000.00 dollar
ARTSY FARTSY Newsletter Online March 09 Quarterly Edition
Residents and guests at the fashionable Santa Inez Inn in the heart of
the Santa Inez wine country hamlet of Santa Inez (naturally) were,
by all eye-witness accounts, vastly out-numbered, out-spoken, and
out-done (as well as thoroughly entertained) when members of
thefraternal organization known as “The Society for the Performing
Farts” sponsored a 50th wedding anniversary gala for Dr. James
Leon Mysticus and his charming wife G. Festivities included an
almost uninterrupted array of activities ranging from wine tasting to
wine tasting to more wine tasting, and then to breakfast. Then, after
a brief nap, parties of Performing Farts descended upon the local
residents, where ever they were trying to hide, in order to enjoy the
sights and sounds of the greater Santa Inez environs. Making a point
of christening every public bathroom along the way, Society Social
Director Eucalyptus Ike, chief photographer for the event, captured
all manner of thrills, episodes, collisions, exhortations, and the
rambunctious behaviors of the membership with his Fugi S5000
Eucalyptic Brotherhood Joins Chapter Sisters in Quixotic-Boldness at Exclusive Inn
|Santa Ynez Valley Luxury Hotel: The Santa Ynez Inn offers
luxury accommodations surrounded by the beauty and history of
Santa Barbara County.
After the War against the Wineries (where Fartsy adepts bargained like Arabs over camels) came the Campaigns against the Eateries, as
hoards of hungry members mouthed assorted delicacies while sampling rare squeezings of the locally grown grapes. Then it was time for
the afternoon nap back at the Inn.
The guest accommodations were what you ordinarily wouldn’t expect: absolutely stunning.These included artistically appointed suites with
adjoining patios (first floor) or Balcony, giant king sized beds, fireplaces, Robes, Bathroom Telephone, Blackout Drapes, Complimentary
Bottled Water, CD Player, Clock Radio, Coffee/Tea Maker, Complimentary Newspaper, Desk, DVD Player, Free Local Calls, High
Definition Flat Screen Television with Satellite, Hair Dryer, Heated Tiles on Bathroom Floor, High-Speed Internet & Wireless, Illuminated
Mirror, Iron/Ironing Board, Jetted Whirlpool Tubs, Massage Available In Room, Nightly Turndown Service, Refrigerator, Rollaway Beds,
Safes (Accommodates Laptop), Slippers, Steam Showers with Heated Floors & Seats and Two Multi-Line Telephones with Data port.
Complimentary Continental breakfasts include all
you can eat pastries (wide variety) and all the
goodies (eggs, bacon, sausage, ham, flapjacks etc.)
you could imagine prepared by an excellent culinary
staff. All this served in a tasteful setting with linen
napkins and tablecloths etc.
Conversations: No amount of persiflage could ever hope to describe, let alone contain, the variety and breadth of the scintillating verbiage
spilled across the table tops during Happy Hour. Suffice to say, no one locally had ever seen such an unending and spontaneous display of
wit, humor, cunning, and erudition. And it simply took their breath away.
Sallies into arcane topics, divulgences of excruciatingly amusing observations, rare insights into
naked Buddhist temple practices, linguistic theories on the utilities of burps and grunts, animal
behavior involving the love life of herpets, interesting scientific measurements of insect genitalia, art
versus ass-wipe of aboriginal peoples, perversions performed by arctic Eskimos on Santa’s
reindeer, appetite and body preferences of Pacific Island cannibals, philosophical speculations upon
cognition in worms, seductive lip routines of 350 pound Arab belly dancers, the monetary practices
of Medieval Florentine pimps and their investment bankers, aspects of literary theory among Dogs
and Demons, vice and its potential for antediluvian barter systems among the Incan elitist sun
worshipers, vox popular propaganda promoting land grants under the aegis of by-gone members of
the Catholic Church in absentia, idio-savants I’ve known among the Washington political
establishment, Gook slogans from the Second World War in Europe, nightly mysteries of wealthy
sluts in the gaming casinos of northern Nevada, picturesque anecdotes from Chinese whore
mongers in the White slave trades, business practices among the Louisiana pygmies, legal issues
associated with eating your own children in Patagonia, wistful thoughts of vagabond underage
Happy Hour: Every evening before dinner, excellent bottles of local wines (also complimentary) were served chilled in silver canisters
(pour your own) for a two hour period: reds, whites, you name it. Guests were fashionably accommodated in a large dining area capable of
seating approximately 45-60. Floral arrangements here were charming and provided fresh daily.
sexual predators, calumnies of character assassination among professional students in graduate schools of English, lore of scoundrels,
scalp hunters, garbage collectors and other public servants, the benefits of snow as a substitute for ass-wipe in Antarctic outposts down
under, all this and much much more flowed like thick brown gravy from some endless spigot in the sky, a veritable deluge of rare
essences distilled into idiomatic postprandial forms, swollen with prolix geriatric animations, emendations, expostulations, monologues,
soliloquies, interjections, hyperbole, understatement, arrested developments and asides. It was absolutely wonderful, and everybody knew
it; even the locals and the other guests…and that was only the beginning of the first night…
Irvine World News: August 17, 2010
Eminent Neurosurgeon Joins Staff at La Casa
Mental health authorities at an internationally renowned asylum for the mentally challenged in Irvine
announced today they had appointed a replacement for their gifted colleague, the late professor Claus
Clop-noggler, who succumbed recently to syphilitic erosion of the medulla oblongata, a tragic demise
witnessed unfortunately by hundreds of patients affected at the neuropsychiatric facility. Doktur
Heimlich Sawzz Von Sacknerd, born in Putzwitz, Poland, and graduated from the prestigious
University of Warsaw Medical College, will assume the duties of his illustrious predecessor at the
conclusion of his teaching duties this summer. Doktur Sacknerd’s reputation for exacting medical
procedures involving brain stem replacement has earned him numerous accolades from major surgical
centers the world over. He is expected to join the staff at La Casa no later than the month of August
where he will preside as Director of Innovative Surgery for the 1,000 bed on site neurological facility.
Best known for his ground breaking investigations into the bio-logical
foundations of neuro-anatomical replacement theory, the good Doktur
is also recognized as a leading researcher into the fluid dynamics of
gas-droid metabolism and has written extensively about the anatomical
complexities of gas-droid cerebratioin during mating rituals on the
planet Gastoria, home world of the alien race now referred to as the
Seen below is a photo rendering of the good Doktur consulting (via
subspace telemetry) with his Gastorian counterpart, Doctor
Bugger-Dike Ant-lopicus, in house general gastro-physician to
Princess Yttod Ddo of the Royal House of Questrafigas. Doctor
Ant-lopicus is apparently about to administer a pregnancy test to
determine the mental status of the princess who is said to be nearing
the age when reproduction is mandatory for the species. The Human
Ambassador to gastoria, The Honorable Ugh the Sow Bug, can be
seen bowing and scraping before the princess, a custom for which he
is no doubt notoriously well suited.
A reception for Doktur Sacknerd at La Casa has been scheduled for the first of August and it is expected that numerous luminaries in the field
of neuro-apathy will attend. Interested parties are encouraged to communicate with Niels Nailer, Superintendent and General Manager, for
seating arrangements, accommodations and details.
Restoration of Ancient Artifactual Proceedings, excerpts from Vol. 21, “Barf and Vegetation Metaphors of The Van Oozian Shit Eater Clans”
by Meldrick the Regurgitator
Much has been said contumaciously about the early Van Oozian Clans
[The Tree Huggers and Shit Eaters] who populated the ancient
savannahs of present day Van Nuys. Naturally, due to the importance
of these primitive peoples and their critical contributions to post
arboreal society, agriculture, language, literature and religion, there
remains a special concern in the chronicles of anthropology and among
its adepts for any new developments that would enhance current
perspectives or shed additional light where only dim bulbs have
flickered previously. It is, therefore, abundantly safe to say that there
is enormous interest afoot in academia, Macadamia, and Macedonia in
particular among those whose vocational and professional reputations
have, shall we say, been boosted or tarnished by precipitous,
opprobrious or incredulous remarks in obvious contradiction to the
known as well was the unknown facts.
Mindful of these inflammatory ingredients, those who would ‘cook
up” additional outrageous concoctions must bear the consequences of
their folly without undue expostulatory ranting or vexatious
jabberwonking because those are the new rules according to the
current Donald Trump presidential campaign standards.
Moving right along, in spite of all indications to the contrary, it is an
extreme privilege and a gi-normous personal pleasure to be the
personality selected to introduce to the civilized world what has
become a monumental milestone in the art of restoration technology.
Let me be abundantly clear: I refer of course to the extraordinary
restoration of a ‘turd carving,’ seen here for the first time in the entire
history of modern human history.
The facts, you can rest assured, are as follows. The photographed object is 23 inches tall and seven inches wide. It was composed
of human fecal material, now petrified, and it was originally shaped into its current form by a Van Oozian Shaman/Priest (probably
either Urin I, Urine Al, or Big Nose Sp-ike.) In addition, there is substantial contextual evidence in the form of barf patterns and
other esoteric symbols imposed on the figure with residual vegetable dyes (not visible in the current photo) that the subject/ person
represented is none other than “Ugh T-ode,” otherwise known as Ugh of Garf, the very first Van Oozian Barf [poet] who composed
the original Oozian Barf Saga and numerous other Trickle Fungas Songs. But the situation (actually the historical perspective) is
unfortunately more complicated to say the least.
Long before their development of verbal language skills, it is hypothesized that Tree Huggers deployed non verbal forms of
communication to facilitate their hunting gathering activities. For example, to indicate ‘hunger’ a tree hugger need only rub his
tummy, point to a gaping mouth, or salivate (drool) to have his gastric needs understood. Similarly, grunting and other
onomatopoetic vocalizations were employed to communicate sexual arousal, affection, anger, pain and so forth. Fortunately,
however, over the course of time, Tree Hugger communication skills evolved.
Currently, it is suspected among most authorities that of particular importance to these developments were the various applications
of finger signs used to identify creatures and objects in the immediate surroundings. Consider for a moment the meaning or
significance of a Tree Hugger pointing to himself, then pointing to a female and then raising his middle finger… (that is to say, “I
screwed her,” or something very similar.) Now pointing to an object has intrinsically the same value as referring to it by saying
‘that’ or ‘it.’ Thus a system of primitive pronomials (crude pronouns) soon facilitated the verbal skills of the most important and
intelligent tribal members. Thus, again over time, pointing to oneself became “I,” pointing to others became “you,” and pointing to a
female became “she.” Naturally these first crude attempts at coordinated syntax were fraught with complications, confusion and so
forth, until an orderly arrangement of the first ‘parts of speech’ was generally agreed upon.
Of course, the most spectacular example of early Tree Hugger verbal confusion has been commented upon numerous times in
anthropological literature. I refer, of course, to the profound consequences for the clan members who misunderstood or misapplied
the so-called first Tree Hugger predicate nominative: “Shit = food.” Apparently, many years passed before this appalling
observation was corrected to “Food = shit.” [For a thorough treatment of this topic, see “The teachings of Urine I” by the Barbarian
Ugh of Garf.]
Be that as it may, when this situation was eventually clarified, the first seeds of agribusiness had been sown. For, with the
association of ‘fertilizer’ with ‘food production,’ Tree Hugger agronomy (the art of soil management, cultivation and crop
production) became a matter of fact.
Now, given the above, and the full implications of a more diverse, constant and dependable source of food, it is entirely
understandable that Tree Hugger religious personalities would reciprocate by concluding that “shit” (i.e. fertilizer) was a true gift
from the gods. Thus it must be on object of reverence, to be treated with the utmost care, concern and respect. Although the
construction of public sanitation facilities (crapper shrines) was the obvious result, in order to collect the sacred objects prior to
their distribution to the growing fields, additional symbolic forms of reverence (e.g. artistic forms) were created as well. And that,
ladies and gentlemen, explains how “turd carving” eventually came about and why Ugh T-ode was represented as a figure of the
Allow me to explain. You see, Ugh T-ode, otherwise known as Ugh of Garf (Garf being the locale in ancient Bare Bank where he
spent the formative years of his childhood) is actually credited with having invented the Tree Hugger word for fertilizer itself, “sheee-
it,” following an incident which apparently took place during his much heralded journey to every crapper shrine within hundreds of
miles of Garf. In fact, it is entirely possible that ‘shit’ was the very first word ever spoken aloud by the shit eaters. Furthermore,
Ugh’s contributions to Tree Hugger vocabulary have been well documented (see “The Historical Proto-linguistic Perspective,” “The
Etymology of Barf,” and “The Rise of the Tree Hugger Clan.” Given these very considerable intellectual accomplishments (by Tree
Hugger standards), it is entirely reasonable to conclude that Ugh’s ministry (he was a shaman/priest) would be celebrated, although
posthumously, with the creation of a crap carving, and that that very carving was the one you see represented above. How or why
is that possible, you ask? Listen carefully…
Crap carving or sculpting requires an armature, a framework for supporting the mushy material before it hardens. Now, what do
you suppose was found to be the armature in the case of the carving above?
That’s right; exactly what you see in the photo at left. A CAT scan of the
carving using axial tomography revealed that a human skull provided the
basis for that much revered mushy material. And not just any common
human skull to say the least, for the decorative motifs etched into the
cranium were obviously meant to represent (among other possibilities) a
powerful intellect with artistic and symbolic implications. Yet even that is
not the end of the story.
Combining the results of the computerized tomographic images with the
capabilities of a modern 3-d printer (a device for manufacturing three
dimensional solid objects from a digital file), an exact replica of the
armature was replicated for further analysis.
And following that astonishing set of developments, a forensic artist
from the Acton, California, Coroner’s Office was assigned the task of
molding that skull with clay to represent the proper musculature and so
forth, in order to reveal the facial attributes of the original human in
Thus, from across the vastness of thousands of years (somewhere
between 9 and 12 millennia ago), the visage of an extraordinary pre
modern human can be seen represented here.
As to a comparison of the facial features represented both in this
reconstruction and the crap carving above, you might be tempted to
notice that both appear to represent a human figure with an elongated
nose (Ugh was said to have a keen sense of smell) penetrating eyes and
rather pronounced and sensuous lips.
Final note on the Barf Hypothesis:
Because he has been cited as the first linguist, poet, and literary
personality to grace the long and complex history of the Tree Hugger and
Shit Eater peoples, it is fitting to provide a brief if somewhat abridged
explanation of how barf came to be associated with poetry, storytelling,
literature etc. First, however, you must try to imagine how daunting
were the obstacles to the dawn of intelligence on the plains of ancient
Van Nuys. Then perhaps you will be able to accept the following. You
see, when food was finally associated with fecal material (i.e. that what
was going in one end was also coming out the other), the question arose
as to what to make of vomit. Why wasn’t vomit making its way south
like everything else. And it was Ugh T-ode who first realized that vomit
came out of the same orifice as ‘words’ or speech. Hence vomit must
also be a form of communication or in other words, “food for thought.”
And there you have it…simple enough if you really think about it….
Newsflash from La Casa: Sunday, November 12, 2016
by the Tigress ‘Euphrates I-Balls’
Due to a dire omniscience granted by the gods to those who display a predisposition for prescient
prattle, I swear (by my Euphrates I-Balls) I am compelled to pass along certain details which I
believe foreshadow the imminent arrival of massive volumes of H2O. In short, it’s about to rain big
time….You see (or perhaps you don’t see because you are unwilling to see, or are incapable of
seeing because you have no talent for it, or you need cataract surgery like Ike for whom everything
is a blur nowadays), just a few short minutes ago a bizarre ceremony was carried out by Ike in his
nondescript backwater in Irvine (a ceremony which will undoubtedly prove to be of some
consequence to gardeners, meteorologists, and the local water districts who cleverly sell what
everybody needs [water which falls free on everybody from the sky] for profit.) Ho Ho Ho!
You guessed it. As rustical as it sounds urbane, it is nevertheless the case that there are still oddballs around who practice the
arcane arts, necromantically speaking, and who indulge themselves in the fabrication of objects such as fetishes etc. for the
express purpose of influencing the future…
Naturally, such persons are now regarded by polite society as fools, humbugs, cranks, loony tunes or eccentrics, but there is
nothing unusual about that because that’s why we have asylums and sanitariums for profit, to get them off the street. However,
every once in a while, there comes along the genuine article, someone like the Trojan Cassandra or some famous mystic like
Meister Eckhart, Richard Rolle, Julian of Norwich, Teresa of Avila, John of the Cross or Ignatius Loyola to name a few. And
there you have it in a nutshell.
OK, so now I know you want to bury that genuine Choctaw or Chippewa tomahawk you bought at Sears in my head, but instead
try controlling yourself by sucking on a cherry lozenge for a moment and listen to what I have to say.
Suppose we could conduct a scientific experiment to prove that fetishistic practices are authentic? “I know, I know, but suppose
it anyway because what have you got to lose? Aren’t you really fed up with TV football, soccer and basketball games yet? OK. If
you’re still with me, here’s the deal. Today is Saturday the twelfth of November, 2016, right? According to the weather service,
there is not an ounce of rain on the horizon, not even on their so-called Doppler radar. Go ahead, and check it out on your I
Phone! If not, and you’re still reading, that brings us finally to the purpose of this e-blab-orate explanation. Because Ike maintains
(and I agree) that’s all about to change, because he and I both say so…and why do we think so, you ask? Because Ike has a
‘hang up’ on the fetish he has just hung up…in his back yard… Tlaloc unveiled...
Entry 376: Collected Essays of Eucalyptus Ike
Investigations of Holeness Reveal Introspection is for the Birds
Let me be perfectly clear. The splificated1 but declassified foolishness depicted below is not intended to be sold, traded, exchanged,
bartered for, negotiated over, or shared with the general public, especially those with closed minds. However, we will not be concerned
with the type of holes most men spend their time fantasizing about, like holes with hair around them or lipstick. No, those holes are not
part of the complex geometric equation of symbolism which will receive our undivided attention, in spite of certain inconvenient irritations
as we sit with our urine bag now half loaded or our feeding tube still attached….
You see, Ike is currently far too old and much too tired of the unmitigated bullshit society has in store (for the average human) to waste
time or brain power on the hopelessly stupid, incompetent or intellectually narrow minded. It’s just too late for them, and they might as
well accept it. Nevertheless, a few close friends and family members might want to know, for some bizarre or inexplicable reason, what’s
currently going on in Ike’s small and continuously shrinking world.
Naturally, family will
instantly recognize that
Ike has been wasting even
more time with his hobby,
wood carving. Some
might even notice that the
object here is not a new
piece but instead an older
carving which has been
hollowed out and
redesigned. And since the
wood in this case is
that suggests certain
Now it turns out that Ike spent three weeks reaming out the interior of this incredibly hard block of wood. Initially it weighed about 100
pounds. Currently it weighs about 70. That means it took 21 days of hard knocks to chisel out just 30 pounds of excess weight. Then it
took another 12 days to grind down and sand smooth the splintered interior surface. (Eucalyptus is a real sand paper eating bitch.) Next Ike
used wood burning bits to incise a basic pattern of vines (another week) and then began to dot paint both the interior and exterior vines for
about three weeks. All together then, if you count the time it took to carve the piece initially (over two months), we are talking about a
considerable investment of time and energy, for what? So it will sit in the garage gathering dust like all the rest of Ike’s carvings? Thus the
inevitable question becomes what the Hell is going on? Why would any reasonably intelligent adult waste so much time in an apparently
worthless endeavor? In an endeavor which, by the way, visitors to the garage tend to ignore altogether. Even if they glance at this carving
in the first place. Of course, we are all well aware that people often engage in behavior which has no point to it, like a great many poets and
philosophers for example. But that is another topic. Let’s boil it down then to the facts. Why does a 79 year old ne’er-do-well near the end
of his life processes spend countless hours engaged in an activity that has no apparent future prospects? Well, when you figure that out,
would you be so kind as to let me know, because I do not pretend to understand why I do much of what I do. Mostly, I don’t have a clue.
And since I typically start a project without any genuine sense of what the eventual outcome will be, I can’t profess to understand why this
particular carving turned out as it did. Perhaps you as an unindicted co-conspirator will be in a better position to perceive what I cannot,
although I doubt it.
1 spiflicated adj. : to be utterly and completely high without knowing what the Hell is going on…
Another curious observation can be made
about this piece. The photo shows that
the interior walls are spattered with a
mélange of images that cannot be seen
unless you peek through one of the two
apertures. Only by turning the carving on
its side (no small effort) and looking in
from the bottom can you begin to make
most of them out. And who is likely to
want to do that? Next, notice the vine is
wrapped around the base of the interior as
well, which suggests that what’s outside
and what’s inside are somehow to be
construed as connected. Looking closely,
one might even notice a woman standing
in a sari with her right arm reaching
upward. Near her knee is a tiny stick
figure of a man. And the two are
surrounded by a flurry of figures
resembling humming birds and what
looks like something similar to a spider
web or a net.
But, why go to so much trouble to end up hiding stuff in the second place? Masks on the outside surrounding an interior decorated with
figures, birds and other odds and ends? It doesn’t seem to make any sense. Is it some sort of allegory, a picture that can be interpreted
to reveal a hidden truth or meaning? And, where do such ideas come from in the first place? Can we really be certain that when an idea
occurs to us we get to take all the credit for it? Perhaps it’s really the subconscious that deserves the credit. And since we don’t really
have any control over that, why should we care one way or the other? Frankly it’s beyond me. What do you think?
Finally, I can say at least one thing I’m fairly confident about. Unconscious decision making doesn’t seem to lead anywhere or to have
any useful purpose. That’s why I personally was forced to conclude that “introspection is mostly for the birds…” Unfortunately, that is
not the end of the story…
While Ike was busy with his investigation of holeness, he was
also diddling with another old carving, the tiki you see here. Of
course there is nothing unusual about that, for Ike is known to
waste time in an inordinately prodigious manner. However, this
grotesque piece was attacked exclusively with wood burning
bits, also without any apparent plan. Thus it ended up covered
with seemingly random figures and designs. But are they truly
Careful discovery will reveal that this ludicrous leftover is itself
decorated with vines, birds and figures. And the wood is old,
dry and very hard Eucalyptus. Similarly, on the back where
they do not appear to the casual observer are what may be
referred to as drawings which bear no resemblance to any
known tiki motif.
For example, there is a door surrounded by vines with two odd
birds perched above a 4 pane window and a potted plant. (Note:
Ike was smoking pot heavily all during this period.) Beside that
door is another small stick figure which seems to be dispensing
a descending collection of odd symbols.
Above and to the left of the door is a distorted female torso being nosed around by a spooky
character draped in a cowl or hood and a cape covered with raptor like birds. The peak of the
hood also looks oddly like a breast. Clusters of grapes hang from nearby vines. Wing patterns
are superimposed. Peculiar images appear adjacently, all of which do not share characteristics
typically associated with tiki type motif. In fact, a case could be made that this goulash suggests
the appellation ‘Tiki’ no longer really applies.
Another rotation of the carving reveals a female wearing a Kimono and head piece
decorated with tropical fish (kissing gourami). Her face is surrounded by clusters of
hanging grapes. The train of her Kimono seems to incorporate the birds and doorway
as well as other figures prominent among which are two heads superimposed one atop
the other. The upper is wearing a cross (perhaps she has a cross to bear) while the
lower suggests a mythical beast (say beauty and the beast?)
So where does all this leave us?
Let me put it this way. Only a cockeyed and quixotic person like Ike would spend
countless hours fiddling with paint and a wood burning kit in order to redecorate
previously finished carvings. And only a mind beyond Octogenarian deterioration
would preoccupy itself with superfluous rubbish in a wimpy attempt to pass that off
as “art.” Whatever these doodles represent, if they represent anything beyond childish
scribble, is neither significant nor worth the time you have spent reading this drivel.
Case closed. Forget about introspection. It won’t get you anywhere. Instead, make a
life for yourself. Concentrate on that. Because when it’s all over, when it’s all said and
done, you will have some very nice memories rather than a garage filled with trivial
knick knacks gathering dust…
Addenda from a La Casa Psychiatric Evaluation following a recent interview with the
As is obvious above, Ike is posing as both Ike and his narrator as well, by continuing to write in the first person as Ike but to refer to
another “Ike” as someone else. Hence his personality is still psychotically split. Furthermore, he continues to maintain that his artistic
methodology is currently non-existent. By this he means that he is no longer consciously directing the course of his garage activities.
He calls his current modus operandi “No mind.” Apparently, he is attempting to remove all intermediate complications and
intermediaries that lie between his conscious and subconscious mind. Or to be succinct, “to let it all out or drain it, so to speak.” (Is it
not clear whether his catheter has played a role in this delusion.) Curiously, there is little doubt that his “output” has increased
tremendously over recent weeks. It is also unclear why he has persisted in the application of wood burning to what essentially
constitutes sculpted firewood. Is that symbolically significant? Further, there is a third carving also extensively wood burned that he
has so far refused to speak about. It is larger, quite heavy, and also in Eucalyptus….
Medical addenda: Dr. Ho, the attending La Casa Urologist, has reported that Ike’s prostate is now so large that it has morphed a
knuckle up into his bladder, which is the cause of even more frequent urination. It has not been determined if this condition is
somehow related to his wood burning activities, but it certainly must sting when he pees.
Filename: Investigation of Holeness continued
La Casa Sanitarium, Feb. 2, 2019
Office of the Director of Patient Medical Services
Data Base Readout 2764B-4327
Re: Follow up to Psychiatric Evaluation of the Patient Eucalyptus Ike (following his most recent prostate incident…)
The Transcript of Dr. Ho’s urologic records indicates that Ike has been suffering from painful urination for a period of several
months. Although his prostate condition has persisted for a number of years, it became chronic in the past three, exacerbated by to
two bladder infections and three incidents of copious blood in the urine. Now about 3 times its normal size, it has also morphed
upward to press in upon the bladder, reducing its ability to contain urine while increasing the need to urinate frequently. Uroscopy
revealed muscular striations in the walls of the bladder (caused by straining to urinate) and a network of enlarged blood vessels
which are undoubtedly the source of the bleeding. Two CT Scans have confirmed calcinations in both the bladder and the prostate
as well. Thus, urination under these circumstances tends to sting or burn with increasing intensity. A catheter inserted 11 days
before was removed on 2/1/2019.
Concurrently, psychiatric evals of Ike have all reported increased activity
as well in his PT Cubicle (detected via the surveillance camera). And
Patient Acquisitions records show purchases of both acrylic paint,
brushes, two wood burning kits and numerous bits all within the last six
months. It seems clear that the flurry of wood burning Ike has engaged in
is concurrent with the onset of his cubicle activity and the increased
intensity of his painful urinations. The fact that the medium for his wood
burning efforts lately is Eucalyptus wood is, however, most likely a mere
coincidence. Therefore, in the opinion of the psychiatric team, Ike does not
appear to be a danger to himself, and his cubicle prerogatives and privileges
have not been restricted as of this report.
A photo of the undisclosed so-called 3rd project Ike has refused to speak
about was also captured via the surveillance camera. An analysis of its
pictoglyphs by Dr. Sven Sognoggler does not provide any evidence of
suicidal tendencies or the potential for self-mutilation. Certain of its
features, however, do suggest Ike is being honest about his
methodological modus operandi.
Note for example the re-occurrence of the “Potted Plant” motif located
just below Ike’s signature at the upper left. Note also the pattern of
descending stick figures who appear to be running, dancing, skipping
from top center to the right etc., the naked female with a single breast,
wearing a highly decorated robe or cape, the numerous masks or faces
and so forth.
Verbal material also occurs here. Below Ike’s signature are the vowels E.I.
E.I.O. reminiscent of the nursery rhyme “Old McDonald Had a Farm.”
The acronyms F.A.R.T.S. and M.L.C.S., the ungrammatical predicate
nominative “We = us.”,
the phrases “Lizard land” and “No Mind.” And so forth.
A deep scan of the voluminous writings by Ike has turned up possible interpretations for two of these elements. MLCS probably
refers to the Monorail Literary [and] Cultural Society (in his early twenties Ike was employed for 5 years as a Monorail pilot at
Disneyland.) Monorail employees at that time participated in social events and costume parties where their foreheads were stamped
with MLCS in red letters. The society’s motto: “We believe it is important to preserve the freedom to be in bad taste” and an
infrequent publication titled “Besmirch” as well as the parties formed part of the allure for the attraction of new members.
The acronym FARTS has multiple implications. Ike’s apocalyptic dictionary “Lucifer’s Lexicon of the Dark Design” contains
entries that may be significant, the most provocative being “Federal Atomic Research Testing Stations.” Set in Hell, the narrative
describes vast collectives of souls rounded up in concentration camp cities (or Farts Cantons) on the Plains of Nagshima, in order
to burn them to oblivion with thermonuclear explosions as a means of alleviating an overpopulation crisis in the infernal regions.
Dr. Sognoggler is convinced that the central bearded figure with arms outstretched is in fact meant
to represent Ike himself in the role of a messianic figure. That is to say, in the role of delivering an
important message to mankind. This comports well with the interpretation that Ike has qualified
megalomaniacal delusions. Sognoggler also maintains that there is a cult like quality to Ike’s recent
artwork due to the presence of the tiny stick figures who represent obedient acolytes that can be
found hopping, skipping and jumping to his tune nearby. According to Ike’s internet carving
website, the sculpted figure on the frontside is referred to as “Big Lumpy” (see inset).
No mention of “Lizard land” has so far turned up in any of the digital scans although the California
Fence Lizard [Sceloporus occidentalis) also known as the Blue Belly, is a common sight on the
grounds of La Casa. The term ‘Blue Belly’ was also a derogatory reference to Union soldiers
during the American Civil War. The reference to “We = us” is probably an abbreviated version of
‘We are the United States and therefore we hold these truths to be self-evident, and so
forth…Why this cryptic formulation was wood burned beside the reference to “FARTS” suggests
a host of possibly ominous correlations.
If in fact Ike has found a way to tap into his subconscious, as he maintains, the apparently
random nature of all the motif materials on his latest creations may provide clues or insights into
the onset of his bizarre personality disorders. One primary psychiatric question however still
remains: Why are the vast majority of Ike’s carved heads severed from their material bodies or
impaled on sticks?
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