La Casa Sanitarium Computer Annex
October 10, 2014, 5:48 AM
Entry Item 2712 uploaded into the Psychiatric Files Database for the patient
Sub-Title: Further Notes on the Curious Case of Ugh Ace Turner Toad
New details have emerged in the course of ongoing deep hypnosis of the patient. Although his mental state had previously appeared stable, there
is now abundant evidence to support the conclusion that his fictive identities are increasingly interacting in a heightened form of bizarre activity.
In effect, the patient seems to be interviewing himself…that is to say, one of his identities is in the process of interviewing another one of his
identities. So far as it is possible to tell, this appears to be a first, as I find no online reference to such an event having been reported in the
psychiatric literature previous to this occurrence.
See also attached: photos, files, and email uploaded from the patient’s PT 109 computer hard drive (in cubicle 12, M-ward).
Ace Turner’s Interview with Prince Tyrone of
Ninnylandia in the library at Castle Toad
More to the point of your interrogative, during the years following the disastrous Irish Potato Famine, when thousands upon
thousands of poor Irish sodbusters starved to death, there occurred social consequences of so devastating a nature in Ireland that
whole families died, ancestral lands were confiscated, serfdom was re-instituted and the traditional institutions of the state were
ground down by fear, violence, greed and hate, the usual consequences which emerge during periods of national or international
disaster. As a result, hordes of starving Irish emigrants became immigrants to Canada and the United States and one of my
ancestor’s was among them. Since copious records were lost or destroyed during the interim, knowledge of my true identity
gradually seeped out of family memory.
Geeze, that’s really tough, but then how did you learn of your so called true identity? (sounds of grinding teeth, gum chewing and
shifting of seats).
It’s really quite simple, even obvious actually. [tsh, tsh.] Genealogical records, DNA testing and gross anatomical characteristics
all established, beyond a reasonable doubt, that I am the true Prince of the Realm of Ninnylandia. Period. (Great wheezing noises
followed by the sound of two noses being blown).
Hum? Let’s take those items one at a time, shall we? I thought you said that records were lost or destroyed?
I said ‘records were destroyed,’ I did not say ‘all records,’ a distinction which is significant in my case. The Toad genealogical
records survived. You see, the House of Todd and Tyrone came into being when the Toads of Toad Hollow married into the House
of Tyrone during the Dark Ages. Curiously, a subsequent linguistic phenomenon called the Great Vowel Shift, caused the
intermediate vowel sound in the word ‘Toad’ to shift to a low back vowel position in the throat; hence the ‘Toads’ eventually came
to be known as the ‘Todds.’ Although somewhat backward socially, the Toad’s [Todd’s] survived in Ireland because they
employed crafty, unscrupulous, and exacting business agents who could find money even under a slippery rock. Against all odds,
the Toads used every device, every cunning maneuver, feint, trick, ploy, ruse and subterfuge to hold on to their ancestral properties
in Toad Hollow. It was their genealogical records that led my cousin, Count Herpetude of Castle Toad, to me.
Well, that certainly is a plot worth examining. And am I to suppose the DNA testing confirmed the genealogical record? Exactly!
My DNA sample, however, was not the final proof in the matter. (sounds of chuckling, and muffled giggling followed by a
So, let’s see, that must leave us with the gross anatomy?
I‘am afraid so.
Although Physiognomy, the practice of trying to judge character and mental qualities by observation of bodily characteristics, is not
generally considered to be ‘scientific’ nowadays, it is beyond dispute that a family’s DNA does pass physical characteristics from
one generation to the next. Family resemblances are simply obvious to anyone who cares to examine them. Even breeders of cattle,
goats, dogs, plants and other animals will vociferously attest to the phenomena without supposition, opposition or doubt. Now, in
the long chain of Tyrone’s from the time of their coupling with the lineage of the Toad’s, it has always been the case that every
male Tyrone was born with a very distinguishing marker: a small fishy birthmark on the outer surface of the left leg between the
hip and the knee, and a tendency late in life to exhibit an ugly and distended belly button… that birthmark is shown here for three
generations, including mine, alongside a current photo of my belly button as well…
(Sounds of paper shuffling, squeaking chairs, guffaws and gasps, followed by heavy breathing.)
Let’s get right to the point, shall we? How is it that a nobody before his coronation came so suddenly
to the exalted rank of Prince of the realm of Ninnylandia?
Well, while it is true that my social status has abruptly changed recently, it is not the case that I was a
“veritable nobody” beforehand, as you so impudently imply. The Tyrone’s have produced many
exceptional thinkers, philosophers, actors, writers and artists. Though you may not be aware of it,
the name ‘Tyrone’ means “Greek Sovereign,” and the House of Todd and Tyrone can claim many
illustrious personages over the centuries. However, true bearers of the family name do not seek the
notoriety that is pandered after so blatantly by those of less exalted intelligence…(sounds of coughing
and the clearing of throats).
Geeze, that button looks terrible. Is it painful?
No, but it does get in the way occasionally when I try to squeeze into tight places, if you know what I mean.
O.K. I guess that settles the historical issue; so now you’re leading the life of a Bonnie Prince of the Realm of Ninnylandia? What’s
It’s like what you would expect—wonderful—but I do have responsibilities and social obligations that come with the title. Do you
think your readers would be interested in hearing about that? (Ace nods his head repeatedly up and down like a yo yo and checks
the volume on his tape recorder.) Well, naturally, I don’t “work” any more in the usual sense of the word. Instead, I’m served in
every conceivable way. I don’t dress myself any longer. I don’t shop, do the laundry, take out the trash, pay the bills, or any of the
mundane activities, chores, etc. of my former life. Meanwhile, I eat and drink whatever I want, anytime, anywhere, any place
around the castle. My cousin Herpe has made it abundantly clear to the staff that I am the true Lord of the Realm and he expects
me to be treated as such. I must say, I have never met anyone in my life quite like him. He is the Fourteenth Count of Castle Toad,
having descended from a long and illustrious line, and he’s—well—just a super guy, with a marvelous sense of humor, immaculate
poise, dignity of manner, self-assurance and intense and penetrating intelligence. Later, I want you to meet him. Then we will have
some refreshments and stroll around the grounds before dinner is served in the main hall. How does that sound?
Geeze, that would be great Ike, I mean Your Highness…
Jesus, Ace, can’t you keep a straight face! (sounds of muffled laughter and more clearing of throats). OK, that’s better. Now shall
we continue? (Ace nods his head again repeatedly and gives the Prince the sign for a high five.)
(Sounds of approaching footsteps on marble can be heard in the background.) Well, hello Herpe, I wasn’t expecting you here ‘til
later but you’re certainly welcome to join the party. (A new voice--smooth, suave, and elegant though somewhat oily—says…)
Well I was in the immediate neighborhood, after my morning walk, and I thought to drop by briefly just to introduce myself to our
most distinguished guest. Of course, if it is the least bit inconvenient, please feel free to so indicate, and I will beat a hasty retreat.
(Both Ace and the Prince make flattering gestures of reassurance until Herpy is plainly nauseated, and then after the formal
introductions, finally, all three take their seats. Count Herpitude is the first to speak.)
So, I understand you work for a prominent American magazine called Artsy Fartsy? And you are here to discover what you will
about my cousin’s miraculous reappearance?
Em, hum, yes, your Lordship, and may I say I am honored and thoroughly delighted to be given the opportunity.
(Sounds of three noses being wiped with Kleenex as the Count imitates Ace’s obsequious nodding behavior, with a twinkle in his
eye to indicate his good humor.)
Perhaps, then, we can dispense with all these time consuming social graces and get down to business, as the Americans say? What
would your readers genuinely like to know about life at Castle Toad?
Well, naturally, what I, uh, what “they” really want to hear about are the more or less notorious arrangements, you know, eh, the
stuff about the nudism and eh, the hanky panky and the eh notorious parties, panty raids, and stuff like that…
Yes, I see. That figures. Well, let me begin by saying that nosey neighbors and the tourist traffic in these parts are typically culpable
for any number of fallacious, unfounded, and misbegotten rumors you might have heard about events occurring in and around the
Castle. Nevertheless, it is true that we do occasionally host private parties for those among the European nobility who practice
nudism. You see, any structure as old as Toad Castle requires a substantial source of income to offset the costs of maintenance
and renovation. A castle might, to the uninformed, seem a very romantic, even exotic, place to live, but continuous repairs are
necessary when any medieval stone structure reaches such a venerable age. Unfortunately, what has stood for over twelve hundred
years often requires a great deal of expensive attention. The filthy lucre (he chuckles) we obtain from private parties simply helps to
offset those and other expenses.
So, eh, it’s all just about sunbathing, and crap like that?
Of course not. What do you think we are? Hermits? No, there is plenty of healthy sexual activity going on around here, all the time.
In fact, more than you could ever imagine. We are not burdened by the silly, backward, puritanical conceits of the religious morons
that you in America elect to office, who pretend to be so concerned about the regulation of women’s bodies. Here at Castle Toad
we embrace a truly free society where both men and women are actually equal, and where what goes on between ‘consenting
adults’ is simply not anyone’s else’s business. Furthermore, it is my experience, and I assure you I have investigated the matter for
many years, that when a woman feels truly free to express and explore her God given sexuality, everyone benefits, but most of all
we men…Do you think your readership will be interested in hearing that?
Holy crap, if there’s one thing I’m sure about it’s that…
Well in that case, I perceive that we are three minds in unmitigated agreement. Shall we not then take advantage of what the Castle
has to offer?
Everyone begins to nod his head…
Email To: Ace Turner
Sent: 10/18/2014 12:55 PM
An order placed in your name has been filled strictly according to the instructions provided by Count Todd
Herpetude of Toad Hollow:
Twickem's Haberdashery of Edinburgh and London, established by Royal Charter in 1621, is pleased to announce
that a consignment of fashionable men's garments and accessories has shipped and will be awaiting your arrival at
Castle Toad, Kingdom of Ninnylandia, in northwest Ireland. A professional seamstress (photo attached) will also be
made available for fittings or last minute alterations should that be required. Naturally, every effort has been made
on our part to provide the finest cloth, thread, ribbons and so forth in the latest styles and fashions. Please be
advised that the Count has insisted that the bill be sent specifically to the ex-checker at the Castle and that all
remunerative tags, except for manufacturers labels, be removed in accordance with Royal protocols set in the
Official Charter of 1620. It has been an honor to serve you, and we hope to have earned your consideration of our
efforts to fulfill any orders in the future.
Timothy Smollet, esq.
What ever your problem is, Hocus Pocus is determined to solve it and to find the answer. Let's face it; it doesn't matter any longer who you
are, where you live, what you drive, or what you wear. It doesn't matter what you look like or don't look like, how old you are (or how
young) and what you think or believe. It doesn't matter whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, if you're rich or poor, smart or stupid,
educated or ignorant, if you go to church or don't, nor whether you drink, smoke, chew, or spit. Why? Because somewhere out there, there
is somebody just like you, exactly perfectly completely totally just right for you. And that's where we come in.
At Hocus Pocus, we specialize in providing you with the online identity you need to attract that special someone to your side. We can make
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loaded at any bar, nightclub, or brothel anywhere in town, any town, any city, any state, any country you want. Our photographic staff can
lift the image of your face right off your face in any photo, provide you with any hairdo or make over you want, dress you up and send you
off in the limmo of your choice to any destination you can imagine on the face of the planet. You get the photos--any size you want up to
room wall size--for what amounts to what you would spend on a crummy weekend in Vegas.
Next, we upload the photos to your Twitter or Face Book page with all the rave comments you want from your new online pseudo friends.
Everybody knows you; everybody likes you; everybody wants to party with you because you are now hot, hot , hot--as well as cool, cool,
cool. Yesterday you were in Vegas gambling at The Bellagio. Tomorrow you will be flying off to Fiji for a lunch of lobster and giant clams.
Next week you're going sailing with Angelina Jolie and Hosni Mubarak, the ex-president of Egypt. After that it's off to the Bahamas where
you'll be entertained by none other than Golda Meyer, Whoopie Goldberg, and Helen Mirren. And there is no end to it, because you have a
year's subscription to the Deluxe Package which includes 21 online story lines with up to 7 excursions, 7 overnight vacations, and 7 full
service club exposure's, a total of 120 photos showing you, you, you, enjoying yourself in every conceivable location, position, ballroom, bar,
bistro, or beltway you can imagine...you have now arrived, you are a player, you are an item, you are news, and you are the new you...
Yo Dude It's me Finndog...do you need some assistance? You
know, at the Pocus, we manufacture online photogenic identities
that will make you simply the talk of the town...Here's the dope...
Is your online social life running a little low on fuel lately? Are
you suffering from low levels of testosterone or vitamin C
deficiency? Maybe your G-mail page is getting you down in the
dumps because you don't have just the right stuff you need to
attract that special someone you're hoping to meet? Your face
looking a bit haggard or down in the dumps because your digital
camera is inferior or your battery charge is low?
Contents of an Encrypted Email sent to Ace Turner on August 26
Also, part of our service remains confidential until you authorize specific items of interest to
you.To gizz or jazz up your web profile we offer seductive photos as a first step in convincing
our customers that we have the true grit and the bonus packages that will lend themselves to
immediate applications, operations, inspirations, educations, ejaculations etc. Our PickAPeeker
package is, of course, only a crude first step for you to consider in boosting your ego,
improving your social life, and your online profile, if you know what I mean.Take a peek and
let me know what you think.The attached photo should serve to provide you with some idea
of what we are capable of. Then open the PickAPeeker compressed zip folder (in private)
unless you're in a very secure and private environment...where you can sample the bill of
Let me know if I can help. Family always comes first, if you know what I mean... So, hang in there,
Oct 17 at 6:32 PM
Perhaps we have not made ourselves sufficiently clear about the Ninnylandia assignment since you have not yet responded. The
Editorial Board of Artsy Fartsy is prepared to offer you an all expenses paid flight (with a return trip ticket) and four days of per
diem at $600 a day to get you to go the distance for our readership. You are not expected actually to do anything except get on the
plane, go there, eat and whatever, etc. as the article has already been written by those with more expertise than you possess in
these matters. We are assured by the airline that no nurse from Texas Presbyterian Hospital (think ebola) has ever been transported
anywhere at any time recently and all the aircraft are routinely decontaminated with Zircon D, in any case. I can personally
guarantee that you will enjoy the experience immensely as the Castle staff has spent several days preparing your accommodations,
inviting other nudists and so forth for your visit. Count Herpetude himself is expecting to meet you and has offered to show you
around the Castle personally. What do you say?
Kubla Kahn, Editor in Chief, Artsy Fartsy Publications
Teaser news of coming attractions
To Ace Turner
October 17, 6:49 AM
Apparently Artsy Fartsy has commissioned you, Ace, to interview Prince
Tyrone of Ninnylandia at Castle Toad in Toad Hollow. Celebrities attending
include E. Ike and the current resident of the castle, Count Todd Herpetude
XIV of the long and illustrious line of Toads from Toad Hollow. Thought
you would want to know. If your subscription is current, you may expect
the publication to appear in your inbox in the near future...
Email to Kubla Kahn
Corporate Offices of Artsy Fartsy
That better not be bullshit about the
nurses, or I will rip out your tongue
and beat you to death with it..
Otherwise, I accept the offer on the
condition that you up the crummy
per diem to L 1200.00 in Pounds
Sterling. I know how far the
American dollar goes in Europe and
it doesn't go the distance anywhere
at all. And don't forget the new rags
you offered. My current stuff is
simply not going to do the trick, and
I don't intend to be embarrased
when I'm rubbing elbows with all
the swells, their flunkies, and
Chapter Fourteen: The Castle Toad Episodes of the Curious Case of Ugh Ace Turner Toad
Episode Two: Origins at Castle Toad and Other Obtuse Matters
Excerpts from “The Breeding Program: Bloodlines of the Toads, Todds and Tyrones”
Todd McTavish “Fishbone” Tyrone fishing on the Alph circa 1923
The last vestige of the once flourishing Kingdom of
Ninnylandia is, of course, Castle Toad on the River Alph.
Constructed by the Cavendish and McTavish clans, in
the ninth century A.D., the edifice remains even today a
vibrant source of social and economic activity for the
economy of Northwestern Ireland.
Situated near ancient stone quarries in a fertile valley fed
by ample supplies of water, the region of the Kingdom
known as Toad Hollow was originally peopled by skilled
craftsman, builders, and foresters whose livelihood
depended upon labor commitments made to the Prince of
the Realm. Originally, the Cavendish people were
cavemen who sheltered in limestone caves and caverns
along the Alph. They survived because they were skilled
‘chislers,’ iron mongers and stone masons who forged
the tools and supplied the stone works for castle
Countess Drusilla (The Magnificent), bathing on the River Alph
above Castle Toad circa 1924. It was said 10,000 Brits adored
her tits before she wed Todd McTavish “Fishbone” Tyrone
The McTavish people, on the other
hand, were watermen--boat
wrights, sailors, and fishermen—
and those involved in the making
of paint, cordage, sails, and the
shaping of planks and timbers, the
tools for which were supplied by
the cavemen. The McTavish were
also draymen, whose heavy carts
and rafts transported stones and
supplies up and down the valley
and river. Naturally, over time,
these clans intermarried, leading to
the complicated bloodlines of the
Toads, Todds and Tyrones.
Facing East, a view of the Castle from the nearby River Alph as it appears today..
Due primarily to lessons learned from his ‘chisling’ Cavendish
Count Herpetude XIV established an array of income sources in
order to provide the wherewithal and the funds to support his
dipsomania, drug addiction and licentious lifestyle.
He is well known for shrewd business dealings involving
worthless war bonds, infected cattle futures, the sale of sausage
made from pig intestines and cattle hooves etc., and the
promotion of worthless swampland and bog pits as retirement
home sites. As a savvy investor he always bought low and sold
high whenever anything worthless was for sale anyway, and his
scheme to advertise and promote Castle Toad as a haven for
nudists among the European nobility was a marvelous business
model that raked in an annual income in the neighborhood of six
figures in Sterling, the standard for English coinage.
Naturally, among so many young and promiscuous female
nudists, there were many who found his suave manners, polished
fingernails, and elegant gestures irresistible, leading to a host of
pregnancies that were not only expensive but diplomatically
embarrassing as well. It is suspected that close to seventy
bastards among the so called bluebloods of Europe were
spawned from the seed of his loins during the course of panty
raids, skinny dipping parties, and public orgies held in the dense
forests near the Castle. Nevertheless, in spite of (or perhaps
because of) his immoral and perfidious activities, the Count
remains one of the most popular members of the local noble
classes, who are notoriously nimble in acceptance of invitations
to visit his digs. Even though they are expected to cough up an
annual membership fee to offset the cost of drugs, booze,
provisions and so forth. Seen here, the image of the Count
appears on a souvenir postcard for sale to tourists and guests
alike so that they may crow to their acquaintances about the
wonderful time spent at the castle. Etc.
Tyrone McTavish “Fishhook” Todd
Given to spiritualism, lunar theories, the classics and literature in
general, Tyrone McTavish Todd simply did not fit the mold of a
Toad in any manner whatsoever. He was described as ‘peculiar,
weird, and spooky’ beyond measure by more than a few of his
contemporaries, mostly a pack of hack 17th century would be
authors. He was extremely reclusive, did not bathe regularly,
often went about without shoes and clothing, except for ragged
animal skins, and was described as a demon lover in his youth.
He seems to have been passionate about poetry, fishing, carving,
gardening and animal husbandry, but he also cultivated a
penchant for wild and mysterious places where he bayed, howled
and barked at the moon, even sometimes yelping at passersby
from the turrets and parapets of the castle. Although he never
married, presumably because no woman could tame him, he
nevertheless sired many sons who were typically identified by
hirsuteness, a bristling of uncontrollable and shaggy hair on many
parts of the body. Powerful limbs and large hands with
exaggerated nuckles made him a deadly antagonist whom other
gentlemen were quick to avoid.
James W'ldman Cavendish Toad, The First Vicar of Toad Hollow
As the deputy in charge of Toad Hollow, James Toad served for
most of his life as the official clan master of the Toad clans before
the advent of the 16th century. Severe in manner and temperament,
he was said to have a brilliant legal mind, vast knowledge of every
field of human scholarship in the period, and a wild and
adventurous spirit given to strong drink, whore mongering and
cattle breeding. He was a passionate painter and sculptor in both
stone and wood, wrote with an impeccable hand, but was
otherwise abstemious, aloof, cold and heartless with those who
raised weapons or challenged the dignity, honor, or landed
privileges of the Toads. When you expect so much of yourself, it is
hard sometimes to forgive what appears to be vagrancy or laziness
Optics and astronomy are said to have been subjects which were of
particular interest to James, perhaps because he was a keen eyed
and perceptive observer. Many nights he spent on the upper turrets
of the Castle gazing at the stars while enjoying copious draughts of
strong Irish poteen, an especially potent brew. Nimble of foot and
quick to dance, he applied these skills not only on the ballroom floor
but also in the mountains, having climbed most of the rugged faces
of the surrounding craigs. Several deep caves in the hills nearby
show runic signs he purportedly scratched into the rock surface in
a code which apparently only he understood. His ruddy complexion
and red hair were passed down through several generations...
To Ike from Ace
Monday at 1:46 PM
Did you recently travel to your ancestral homeland? Why the turret
within the turret, Ike? Just a repository for gull shit?
Monday at 3:08 PM
Ace, Didn't you know or don't you remember, it was the
clans of the McTavish and Cavendish Toads who built the
castle, not the Tyrones...they just boozed it up and
fornicated in it...
Monday Oct 20, 2014 at 2:57 PM
Geeze, Ace, I realize I sent Episode One... in Word docx format. Were you able to read it?
RE: your recent query about Ike, Yes I have gone home to the motherland for a visit. But
isn't that Phoenix Flight your trip photo, not mine? Didn’t you compose the email below?
October 18, 2014
Email to Kubla Kahn
Corporate Offices of Artsy Fartsy 0600 hours...
That better not be bullshit about the nurses, or I will rip out your tongue and beat you to death with it..Otherwise, I accept the offer
on the condition that you increase the crummy per diem to L 1200.00 in Pounds Sterling. I know how far the American dollar goes
in Europe and it doesn't go the distance anywhere at all. And don't forget the new rags you offered. My current stuff is simply not
adequate, and I don't intend to be embarrassed when I'm rubbing elbows with all the swells, their flunkies, bimbos and whatever.
Oct 21 at 1:29 PM
That letter was not from me, but it certainly expressed similar
sentiments in regards to reimbursement, etc.
Oct 22 at 10:16 AM
Geeze, Ace, maybe I wrote it and then forgot it. No doubt a
case of advanced senility and convenient short term memory
Oct 22 at 12:36 PM
My god, Ike! What ungodly creature is this spotted above the
shit-smeared castle? It's like a cross between Braveheart and
the Kraken! But so much more hideous! The stench would
frighten a thousand generations of saracens! RUN!!!
Oct 22 at 1:59 PM
Wondered when you were going to wake up to the new
internet survival reality show. But it looks to me like a toad
eating raptor, hunting for prey along the River Alph in Toad
Hollow. I'll get back to you after I check my Sibley's Field
Guide to Birdbrains. Any chance you can figure out how to
put it up on the gmail site?
From Odd Jim Dotty
Oct 20 at 10:59 PM
Waiting for Ugh Toad may be a bit like ‘Waiting for Godot’.
You may need to adjust accordingly…”I can’t go on, I must
go on…” etc. Although both by propensity and personal
history I have no moral leg to stand on in passing judgment, I
offer this petty observation only as a means of encouraging
autistic endeavors of the first order per the prime directive.
FALSE TURNS, BLIND ALLEYS AND PROTOPLASTS IN THE BREEDING PROGRAM?
Oct 20 at 11:35 PM
You got me with 'ptotoplast' ; I had to look it up: "A thing or being that is the first of its kind..." In biology, same as 'energid'.Your
advice could not have come at a more opportune moment, as I (and the team at Hocus Pocus) am deeply involved in exploring the
recondite information, genealogical records, and concomitant lacuna available in the library at Castle Toad. Initial observations have
revealed very interesting details concerning not only the origin of the Toad clans, and the Castle construction project, but also the
first tidbits about the primal breeders themselves. Stay tuned for further results. Does your new computer allow you to read Word
docx files? That is to say, were you able to download and read Episode One? It contained an entry into the La Casa Psychiatric
Archive, and a couple of attachments: Artsy Fartsy Presents... and "An order has been placed in your name..."
If not, please advise...
Update on dry dates
Oct 21, 2014 at 12:26 AM
I have been meaning to mention for some time that I named the attached
Dotty painting "Kubla Kahn" due to circumstances arising from the plot
for chapter 14, which is loosely based on STC 's poem "In Xanadu did
Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree...etc." Both the painting and
the poem are incorporated into the new site page entitled "Selling Water
by the River: Dotty's Dot Paintings: The Artsy Fartsy Photo Collection."
a link for which can be accessed from the T-Rex Index, the Works of
Odd Jim Dotty page, and the "Archives of the Dot..." page. Just look for
and then click on Dotty's Dot Paintings: The Artsy Fartsy Collection.
You will need to scroll way over to the right because the works appear in
Alph order i.e. "...Where Alph the sacred river ran, through caverns
measureless to man, down to a sunless sea..." It's a nice touch...which
both flattered and amazed AKA Kahn when I proposed the project.
Bingo! I hit the jackpot...
CC: Ace Turner
Oct 22 at 1:46 PM
Photos show Ike before he entered the catacombs
under the library, with Ace, Herpy, and Prince
Tyrone, and two photos of the earliest scroll
drawings not yet decrypted but obviously depicting
plans for or results of the earliest breeding practices
of the Cave Toads...it's unholy...
Addenda: As decryption comments are now
available for the scroll drawings by scrolling to the
right, the photos have not been duplicated here. See
"Snooping around Toad Bloodlines" and"Echoes in
Blueness in a Structural Snare."
Clans of the Cave Toads: Secret Breeding, Codes and Cyphers
Tenth and eleventh century manuscripts and scrolls recovered
from the catacombs beneath the library at Castle Toad reveal a
remarkable assortment of early attempts by the Clans of the
Cave Toads to breed particular qualities and characteristics
into future generations. Numerous books and other sources on
the shelves of the contemporary library make mention of such
activities in the centuries following the completion of the castle
construction project, but none contain any mention of these
older records. Now for the first time in over 1100 years,
scholars and historians who are concerned with genealogical
data about medieval Ireland will have available new and by
many accounts stunning revelations about the breeding habits
of the Toad gens and their clans.
In general, the earliest Cave Toads were not literate in the modern sense of the word. Although they were skilled craftsmen, a typical toad could
neither read nor write, but he could employ signs and symbols to record family relationships, simple directions around caves and quarries and so
forth. To compensate for these deficiencies, Toad carvers manufactured effigies such as you see in the photo, which were displayed on poles
(called Tad or Todd Poles) in order to indicate lineage from ancestors, family memberships and even particularly important individuals
themselves. There are rooms within the catacombs that are literally filled with these types of effigies, which are said to number in the
thousands. Some collections of these types of carvings are called knots, because they represent particular individuals in a specific clan.
Historically, it is not clear why the early settlers in Toad Hollow bestowed upon themselves and consequently all their offspring the appellation
Toad. Some suggest a French Connection was responsible because the word ‘crapaud’ is French for toad and it also means ‘ugly person’.
Others suggest the more likely explanation is that common frogs and toads, which spawn in the Alph, are so plentiful that they became
associated with the settlers who probably ate them just to control their populations. And since most toads and frogs lay eggs in paired strings
that hatch into tadpoles, that explains the practice of carving effigies for display on poles as well. It is also apparently true that marriage rites in
ancient Toad Hollow required the bride and groom to fornicate in the mud or water of the river, which seems unbelievable but may in fact be
true, because screwing around in the water near the castle is still being practiced today.
Toad Poles from a garden behind the Castle
A swarm or knot of common toads emerging from the River Alph, in Toad Hollow
A similar scroll entitled “Echoes in Blueness in a Structural Snare” is
clearly related because keen sightedness, a full head of hair, muscular
hands, and large mammary glands are even more clearly represented
within even larger circles. However, new symbolic information is
included as well. While carving or sculpting aptitude seems
fundamental to both scrolls, here we see a more polished and
artistically elegant carving of a Toad like figure gazing upward,
perhaps suggesting knowledge, astronomy, education, or intelligence
were now considered essential to the breeding program. Notice that a
child sits below the gazing toad. In addition, a forth image, the torso
of a female, with Todd Poles emanating from the abdomen, is
prominently located in the large lower left circle. And beside this
carving appears an old man with full hair in elegant attire, in a pose
which suggests introspection or abstract thinking. Finally, central to it
all is an effigy figure that has been identified in other sources as
representing “The Prime Directive.” In other words, we now are
meant to understand that Toad breeders had identified not only the
physical characteristics they wished to pass on but they had defined
and were striving to incorporate intellectual and mental aptitudes as
well. More could be said about the dashed lines which appear in both
images, but the reference to a ‘snare’ in the title of the 2nd scroll is
unmistakable evidence that its significance was meant to be hidden
from the eyes of others who might perhaps either misinterpret its
objectives, conflate them with other sources, or defeat them by
contamination of the gene pools they represented.
A carefully restored ancient scroll entitled “Snooping around Toad
Bloodlines,” seen here for the first time, reveals the use of just such
clan effigies as are described above to record marriages between Toad
clans whose members exhibited characteristics considered important
to those seeking to control breeding during the period. Among the
clans represented are, in no particular order, the Rock, Water, Cave
and Mud Toads, as well as the preferred genetic characteristics sought
by the breeders; strong muscular hands, extra large milk glands, keen
sighted blue eyes, and a full growth of cranial hair even in old age.
Apparently blad toads were far too common in ancient times.
Notice, only the larger circles contain truncated tad poles while the
smaller circles typically reveal the sought after characteristics, with
the single exception of the circle around the large mammary gland.
This emphasis is believed to indicate that the larger the gland the
Family of Cave Toads (circa 1960) on the Alph
A few of the Many Twentieth Century Celebrities from the House of Todd and Tyrone
Among the 20th century artists born and raised in
Toad Hollow, Ven D-ike Todd has achieved an
international reputation for his oil and watercolor
renderings of young women from the House of Todd
and Tyrone. The product of hundreds of years of
carefully monitored blood lines, the Cavendish and
McTavish families of HoT-aT have few peers in the
world who can claim such an astonishing array of
magnificent clevage, pulchritude, and derriere.
Often sought after as marriage partners for the siblings
of other noble families, HoT-aT females tend to be
gifted athletes, successful entepreneurs and artists,
fashion models, trendy style setters and so forth. In
the boudoir, according to Ven D-ike Todd, they
provide a 'matchless experience' due to their strong
but delicate hands and fingers, their aroma, dexterity,
athleticism, and whatever else you can dream of. If it's
possible, they are already likely to have thought of it.
Like modern Geishas, they know how to please a man
(or another woman for that matter.) According to
Todd, "We are not talking about coy or retiring blobs
Ven D-ike Cavendish Todd, in the solarium studio at Castle Toad, circa 1969...
“Our Hands in Sympathy United: bothways 50/50 split”
From "Translation.of Signs on the Family Escutcheon: House of Todd
Glennlivid The Stearns of House of Tyrone
The billionaire with a heart of gold, Glennlivid The Stearns (of both
Scotch and Irish descent) amassed an impressive fortune by
acquiring land and distilleries around the world. Beginning with a
single family distillery in Scotland, the launching pad for his
business empire, he applied craft, logic, mathematics, and an
uncanny ability to negotiate to outwit, outfox or out deal all of his
enemies, business competitors, and anyone else who stood in his
way. An intelligent and daring risk taker who could never take 'no'
for an answer, his success was also the result of applied due
dilligence, and a relentless search for the truth, no matter how
much dirt you had to dig through to get there. Within him were
combined a daunting and combative nature with a fiercly
Exhibiting extraordinary common sense early in life, he concluded
that land, whiskey, money and women [not necessarily always in
that order] were his passions, in consequence of which he mowed
down every obstacle in his path to get, catch, take, make, acquire
and hold on to what ever he could get his hands on in the first
place. And once he had it or her, he tried everything he could to
make the most of it.
Although he married several times, he never truly divorced anyone,
preferring instead to remain friends with his x's and to support them
throughout their lives. At last count, he has sired seven children,
most of whom still love him. An ardent world traveler, he has been
everywhere and done just about everything you could imagine. It
has been reported lately that a bout with a devastating illness has
caused him to re-evaluate his life, in order to set the record
Arm to arm and
Hip to hip,
Her back, his front
So they won’t slip,
It’s a grunting runt
With a mighty grip,
Like a war between
And it’s not her brain
And it’s not her heart
That makes her leap
With a mighty fart.
What’s it all about
With this froggy mess?
It’s about some ancient part of us
That just won’t truck with Christian Fuss.
When she feels his load
With a froggy bliss,
Any tadpole knows
Right where tadpoles kiss.
And it ain’t her brain
And it’s not her heart
That makes her leap
With a mighty fart!
What’s it all about
When frogs caress?
It’s an ancient art;
Can’t be expressed
But you won’t find it
In a Christian’s breast
At confession time
No matter where you’re blessed.
And it’s not his heart
And it’s not his chest
Makes a bullfrog sing
At his bullfrog best.
It’s her bullfrog butt
And her bullfrog breasts,
That’s the way it is
In a bullfrog’s nest…
The Frog’s Tale or
How Do Frogs Make Love?