Floor Directory of the Schloss

Floor 2:       Offices of Ike’s Photosynthesis Lab, Main Annex, Photo           
Archive Librarian's Office, Adjunct Commissary

Floor 3:       West Wing: Private Offices of the Chairman of the Board,
          The Honorable Doctor James L. Mysticus
           East Wing: Offices of the Secretariat, PWA

Floor 4:        Department of Corrections, and Divisional Headquarters
           Committees for Nomenclature Adjustments, Offices of
           La Casa Hysterical Society  (Floor is not on the tour.)

Floor 5:        Master Blaster Facility, Gymnasium, Emergency Medical
           Response, Health Spa, Steam Room etc. (Venues are
           not on the tour.)

Floor 6:        Mysticus Auxiliary Library (Not open to the public)

Floor 7:        East Wing: Archives of the Dotty Foundation, Galleries,
           and Memorabilia
           West Wing: K-Ikian Institute for Preservation of Inanities

Floor 8:        East Wing: Offices of the Director of the Retreat at
           La Casa,  Eucalyptus Ike
           West Wing: Offices of Hocas POCAS [Popular Online         
           Characters Amalgamated Staff]

Floor 9:        East Wing:   Archive of the Eucalyptic Brotherhood
           West Wing:  Ace Poison Center for Elimination of
          Computer Bugs
Second Floor Adjunct Staff Commissary
Second Floor Main Annex
Directory Assistance Ledgers
La Casa Boardroom of the Chairman
Third Floor Dining Hall
Online Tour of the Artists Retreat at La Casa
Visitors Entrance
Conchita the Receptionist at Ike's Photosynthesis Labs
Return to the La Casa Directory
Looking North:
Looking South:
Seventh Floor: Main Hall of the K-Ikian Institute for the Preservation of Inanities
Floor Two
Floor Three
Floor Seven
Floor Eight East Wing
Eighth Floor Office of the Director of the Retreat: E. Ike
Floor Eight West Wing
West Wing Offices of Hocus Pocas
[Popular Online Characters Amalgamated
Floor Nine
expressly devoted to the detection, eradication,
elimination, and annihilation of online computer pests,
regardless of the form in which these malicious code
sequences manifest themselves. Computer mal ware,
designed expressly for espionage, sabotage, theft and or
destruction of computer files or other intellectual
property is a growing threat to the health, vitality and
future of the Internet, and every effort by both private
companies and governmental agencies to confront this
threat should be considered as of the highest priority for
both national and international defense.

The staff at Ace Poison Center is zealously devoted to
just such activities as are found to be especially
necessary to secure the safety and protection of  
computer files, communications, intellectual property,
and all ongoing business relationships with customers,
employees, their families and the world wide Internet
communities as well. At Ace, we  intend to do our part
to ensure that users of our systems can enjoy the full
protection of our security apparatus, staff, agents, and
field technicians, all of whom are trained in the detection
of every trick in the book.  

Think of it this way. We can download all your stuff, no
matter what language its written in, scrub it clean, and
return it to you, better than new. That's just the way we
do business...
Ninth Floor East Wing
At Ace, no expense is spared in the training of field agents
whose primary mission is the timely elimination of anything,
anywhere, any time, that is detrimental to our pursuit of truth,
happiness and the American way...
Is your online social life running a little low on fuel lately? Are you suffering from low levels of testosterone or vitamin C deficiency?
Maybe your Twitter page is getting you down in the dumps because you don't have just the right stuff you need to attract that special
someone you're hoping to meet? Your Face Book face looking a bit haggard or down in the dumps because your digital camera is inferior
or your battery charge is low?  

What ever your problem is, Hocus Pocus is determined to solve it and to find the answer. Let's face it; it doesn't matter any longer who
you are, where you live, what you drive, or what you wear. It doesn't matter what you look like or don't look like, how old you are (or
how young) and what you think or believe. It doesn't matter whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, if you're rich or poor, smart or
stupid, educated or ignorant, if you go to church or don't, nor whether you drink, smoke, chew, or spit. Why? Because somewhere out
there, there is somebody just like you, exactly perfectly completely totally just right for you. And that's where we come in.

At Hocus Pocus, we specialize in providing you with the
online identity you need to attract that special someone to your side. We can
make you out to be anyone you want to be or ever wanted to be like. Want to pass yourself off as a world traveler? No problem. We can
stick your image on top of a pyramid if you want. Or anywhere else in the known world. We can dress you up, fix you up, set you up and
get you loaded at any bar, nightclub, or brothel anywhere in town, any town, any city, any state, any country you want. Our photographic
staff can lift the image of your face right off your face in any photo, provide you with any hairdo or make over you want, dress you up
and send you off in the limmo of your choice to any destination you can imagine on the face of the planet. You get the photos--any size
you want up to room wall size--for what amounts to what you would spend on a crummy weekend in Vegas.

Next, we upload the photos to your Twitter or Face Book page with all the rave comments you want from your new online pseudo friends.
Everybody knows you; everybody likes you; everybody wants to party with you because you are now hot, hot , hot--as well as cool, cool,
cool. Yesterday you were in Vegas gambling at The Bellagio. Tomorrow you will be flying off to Fiji for a lunch of lobster and giant
clams. Next week you're going sailing with Angelina Jolie and Hosni Mubarak, the ex-president of Egypt. After that it's off to the Bahamas
where you will be entertained by none other than Golda Meyer, Whoopie Goldberg, and Helen Mirren. And there is no end to it, because
you have a full year's subscription to the Deluxe Package which includes 21 online story lines with up to 7 excursions, 7 overnight
vacations, and 7 full service club exposures, a total of 120 photos showing you, you, you, enjoying yourself in every conceivable location,
position, ballroom, bar, bistro, or beltway you can imagine...you have now arrived, you are a player, you are an item, you are news, and
you are the new you...
At Hocus Pocus, we manufacture online photogenic identities that will make you simply the talk of the town...
Ninth Floor West Wing
Computer Archives of the Eucalyptic Brotherhood
Visit The Email Archive
With the advent of  high quality digital cameras capable of recording hundreds or thousands of images at
little cost but for the price of batteries and the camera, a veritable explosion of photographic activity has
become commonplace not only in American society but all across the globe. Every day
billions of digital
photos are downloaded from cell phones or cameras  to storage devices or uploaded to web servers where
they are typically made available to the public. It is actually downright impossible to accurately estimate the
amount of digital imagery being stored electronically, but everyone in the know agrees that the phenomena
are absolutely astronomical in extent. Even six year olds now routinely carry cell phones and have photo
collections numbering in the thousands. From the web a casual visitor can find photos covering every
conceivable aspect of life (and death) on the planet. Whales being harpooned at the exact moment of
impact? No problem! Tanzanian prostitutes shagging customers on the backs of camels? No sweat!
Children starving to death in the Southern Sudan? A piece of cake! Artillery shells being fired at civilians
from tank cannons in Homs, Syria? So easy it's not even worth mentioning. Congressional Republicans
dropping their drawers for their female constituents? And then posting their own photos online? Again, no
trouble whatsoever. If you can conceive of it, the chances are somebody else already has as well, and they
have the photo to prove it. If you doubt this, go on line to any of the social networking sites and take a
good long look around. If that doesn't convince you, think of any thing you want to see a photo of and do a
google photo image search on it.

Given this state of affairs, it seems reasonable to wonder just exactly where do we go from here? I mean,
what can we expect to be the consequences or long term unintended results of so incredible an array of
phenomena? Does anyone believe that all this human activity is simply going to end up being insignificant?
A passing fad like the hula hoop or the slinkee?  

In an attempt to capture and analyze at least the faint outlines or the raw visual record of this astonishing
and so far unpredictable chain of events, key leaders of the Eucalyptic Brotherhood have joined with their
counterparts  in the La Casa Hysterical Society to establish a joint digital storage venture. Their purpose is
to record a brief but accurate historical tableau of this human activity for future generations. To this end, a
gigantic super computer Christened Big Foot has been commissioned to scan the world wide web in order
to accumulate, process, classify and organize the primary digital referents associated with this world wide
activity.  
Tour the Gallery of the Graceful Swan
Go to The Dotty Memorabilia Collection
A Brief Note about Eucalyptus Ike, the Founder and Father Figure of the Artists Retreat at La Casa:

No amount of hyperbole could ever hope to capture the egotistical absurdities assumed by the miscreant and invidious
rabble rouser known as Eucalyptus Ike. Seen here in a self-portrait conflated by his own now palsied left hand, the tortured
tetrarch gazes onward as if in a state of stupefied cathexis, mingling Jesuitical aberration with deep and penetrating
concentration, while his necrotic super-selves haggle over prospects for sobriety and the benefits of euhemeristic
eudaemonism. A believer in the notion that myths are based on a reality of real people and events, and that the gods of
mythology were deified human beings, Ike pursues a similar reality governed by the moral principle that happiness is the
universal goal of life which can only be achieved by a process of activity governed by the absurdities of reason. Now
approaching the cusp of his seventy-third year, and the many manifest gastro-lyptic side-effects of a palpable
preoccupation with sex, alcohol, gambling, and drugs--not necessarily in that order or in any order whatsoever--the crusty
sexagenarian (Ike insists his genitals are in their sixties) pursues life with a gusto seldom seen in one so advance in years.
Among the many artistic accomplishments for which Ike takes all the credit, his fascination for the photographic arts (as
the photos here may be said to illustrate) blossomed only very late in his career. His preoccupation with computer software
designed to enhance and refine photo editing is now well known among pixel pushers world wide as is his unflappable
slaphappy solipsistic literary style. As the Director and CFO of Ike's Photosynthesis Labs, his many ($) contributions to the
artists retreat are matched only by the international Fashion Mogul, Jimmie Walkabout.    
Conflict of Ike: Portrait of the Artist as an Old Man
Typical of Ike's photo-synthetic machinations is the image you see at left, composed apparently of an absurd collection of details arranged randomly, with no concern for either perspective or taste. Ike does
he thinks. Now you might be tempted to conclude that is hardly a basis for a business model, but in this you would be more than incorrect. You would be, in fact, dead wrong. Consider the following
before you decide to hit the panic button and move on to what you conclude is a more sensible website.

Let's face it; most people are not inclined to think much at all. They prefer to party, to socialize, to travel, etc. Genuine thinking about things in general is not an item high on most people's list of preferred
daily activities. Naturally, this is the case because thinking about things implies a good deal of effort. One must begin to assemble the facts, no simple task in today's world with its mediocre forms of media
all competing for the attention of the public. And wading through and weeding out the bullshit takes additional time and effort. Days may pass before one is able to discover any fact at all, let alone one that
fits into the puzzle under examination. Bits and pieces, even slivers and slices of fact, are not easy to come by even under the best of circumstances, which are, unfortunately, seldom the circumstances we
find ourselves in. Time, effort and perseverance remain the essential ingredients without which one can expect to reap little profit from one's experience. So, where does that leave us?

Let's just assume for the moment that what we see in the photo here is a record of some facts. Trust me! You are just going to have to play along if you want to get anywhere near the point. First, notice
the vintage pick up truck in the lower right corner where somebody's head is being taken for a ride. Presumably on its present path, this head in the truck is going to crash into a prehistoric being, unless a
course correction is in the making. Of course, if you knew whose head was in the truck you would find this very funny indeed. Over on the desk is a statue of a Mexican bandit with a lite cigar in one hand
and sticks of dynamite in the other, suggesting something is going to be blown in the course of this disorder.  On the wall beside the fireplace is an image of a western lawman [Ace Turner] with his hands
resting on his gun belt. Although their hats are not the same, the face of the lawman closely resembles the face in the pick up truck. This is definitely not a coincidence. Apparently it is the lawman
(representing law and order) that is going to be taken for a ride. Over the fireplace is hung a comical painting of a huge red face [Ike] emerging from a blue wheelbarrow. This head appears to be looking
over the tableau presented below. Finally to the left is a very sexy female identified as the receptionist. From the point of view of the observer [you] she is looking directly at you, as if welcoming
(or luring) you into the tableau. The point is, there is nothing random at all about this collection of facts. They just appear to be random from the point of view of an ill-informed observer... Something is
coming, something is ahead, something that breaks the rules and is meant to be funny, and true...and that is Ike's Business Model!
Once known for its old world elegance, the La Casa Artists Retreat, under the leadership of its
current director, has been significantly remodeled over the course of the last two years.
During that time, much of its Mediaeval decor has been stripped away or modernized, and its
interiors redesigned to meet the needs of a new generation of artists, story tellers, sculptors
and painters. And, since man cannot live by bread alone, dining at La Casa is considered an
essential part of the daily gift of life where all may partake of the benefits of reason, careful
planning, agribusiness and the resulting home grown abundance. It is simply astonishing to see
how much can be achieved when the needs of the many are not held hostage to the greed of
the few. After forty years of experience and careful record keeping, the agribusiness activities
at La Casa yield all the essentials for an extraordinary array of menu items provided at very
low cost all the year round. An employee can, for example, enjoy a seven course meal in the
third floor dining hall for as little as four dollars. What makes this all possible is 1600 acres of
prime bottom land for planting and an additional 4000 acres devoted to the production of
poultry, cattle, sheep, goats and bison. Yes, I said bison! And what we don't eat we sell.
Otherwise, everything else gets recycled, including all the buffalo chips, poultry offal, sheep
dip and cow paddy as well. What goes in in the form of feed and hay comes out in the form
of, well, I'm sure you can imagine. So nothing is wasted, including the human waste. If that is
going to upset your appetite, you are just going to have to get use to it...or stop eating our
prime rib...  
What is photo-synthesis?
Consider the photo at left
This paradisaical beach scene
offers the photo mugger (or pixel
pusher) the opportunity to create
something new with only a
modest amount of effort. First
we add an eyeball and then toss
in some teeth (in the next photo).
Notice that the tree line to the left
of the figure has also been
trimmed back. Of course there is
no particular reason why we
have to stop there. Why not
polish the teeth and add some
lips? Or double the image, with
two now facing each other?
There is, of course, an entirely new range of
possibilities available to us. We can, for example,
extract elements, pieces or parts of other photos
and merge them into the original photo here, such
as the exotic giant Moray eel emerging from the
water in the distance and the casually reclining
figure of Ike now leaning against the rock in the
foreground. Surely by now you get the idea. But
just in case you are a tiny bit slow, let's throw in a
couple of Hula girls, two Polynesian carvings and
six guys paddling out to sea in an outrigger canoe....
At this juncture, we should probably toss in some
barbecued ribs and a couple cases of beer because
it's beginning to look like a party is shaping up on
the beach. Maybe we ought to have the hula girl do
a striptease and have the Moray move in for a
closer look. But that might distract you from the
rest of the tour, so I suspect the diplomatic thing to
do is just leave matters as they stand right here.
After all, we don't want to give everything away
right off the bat...do we?
OK, now you know it! Ike's office is a mess, an unbridled, unmitigated, unreasonable, unnecessary, and unforgivably
cluttered mess. It's a travesty, it's immoral, and it's completely tasteless, without any redeeming social value
whatsoever. Nobody in his right mind would stand for it, not even for a minute. Unfortunately, Ike is not in his right
mind most of the time. At least half the time he's in his left mind, if you get what I mean. Also, almost anything goes
where his digs are concerned, that is except for his clothes. (You will never find Ike wearing anything that isn't
absolutely comfortable.) In any case, you see, Ike tends to go along with it until he decides to change it, 'cause
changing it is usually no problem at all. He's got plenty of people around to do the heavy lifting and whole rooms filled
with all kinds of crap, so switching this for that constitutes no problema. It's just not a problem. Besides, variety is the
spice of life, is it not? So why not try as many combinations as possible? Is any one of you out there satisfied to ball
your way through life with only one sexual position? I think not. One position is never going to be enough, I don't
care how good looking she is or how well she is built. You are going to want to get at her from another angle sooner
or later. Trust me on that.  

Speaking of alternate angles, since Ike is still concerned with the topic of how easy it is for him to change things
around, notice the view above of the relatively bare other end of Ike's office (as opposed to the south end you see to
the left). Lately Ike has been thinking about adding a few things here as well. To see what, position your cursor over
this image in order to reveal the mouse over effect...  
The photographs here show the viewing area of the K-Ikian diarama
from the center of the hall looking south and north. Although it may
seem improbable to the casual observer, while these two
perspectives tend to suggest a clutter of diabolical proportions,
there is, in general, always a way to navigate through the collection
in order to see each exhibited item close up. There is no way,
however, to prepare the visitor for the riot of images and objects on
display, which tend to provoke a  range of curious reactions from
an audience. Carvings, sculptures, paintings, and drawings are
seemingly placed willy nilly as if juxtaposed with no thought or plan
in mind what so ever. Every "situation" is, however, the result of
deliberate directions given by Ike himself, who alone determines
what to display and how it will be displayed as well . The id,
according to Ike, is a very messy place, governed largely by
concerns, circumstances, influences, affinities, and promptings
which are always beyond the apprehension of the observer. No
artist of any stature would be likely to dispute this claim. Therefore,
Ike thinks of this hall as an opportunity to display his "id" and that
is why he takes such a keen interest in the offerings. It should be
noted also that the state of the hall (what is there and where) is
constantly subject to change. Individual items sometimes appear for
as briefly as an hour or two before they are removed and replaced
by other items from a collection that now numbers well into the
hundreds of thousands of items. The notable brain surgeon Von
Sacknerd once calculated that the neural connections necessary to
explain why every item and object was where Ike wanted it in the
hall would require all the processing power of a super-computer
operating for approximately 7.23 years. And that would be the case
only if Ike never changed anything.   
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