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What Defines a Human?
What all the beings on all the other planets in the galaxy should know about humans is that they never throw anything away, never. No matter what it is, no matter how insignificant it is, no matter how useless it is. Humans are
funny that way. Why, give a human an old shoe that doesn’t even fit and he will stash it somewhere, thinking that maybe someday, someone will give him another one just like it so he will have two of the same…that both
don’t fit. That’s just the way humans are.
Humans will keep old tin cans, bottles, newspapers, scraps of leather from purses, wallets, bags, even bags made of something else—plastic bags, rag bags, paper bags, gas bags, laundry bags, old bags—you name it and a
human will collect it and never ever throw it away. The same goes for everything else you can think of. Humans keep old hats, furniture, toys, stamps, coins, candy dispensers, combs, tooth brushes, tools, tires, wheels,
buggies, signs, postcards, bottle caps, baby clothes, baby dolls, doll clothes, even the boxes the stuff came in.
Some humans even keep old pieces of wood they picked up 25 years ago, including stumps of trees, limbs, branches, all the way down to the leaves. Why some I’ve known would think nothing about rolling up old pieces of
string tied together until they have one great big giant ball. Golf balls, basket balls, crystal balls, tennis balls, goof balls, marble balls, cock and balls, screw balls, ball bearings, ball joints, ball gowns, ball cocks, ball knockers,
fast balls, slow balls, low balls, bowling balls, beach balls, billiard balls, cue balls, hairy balls, fuzz balls, balls with chains, ping pong balls, Christmas Tree balls, gum balls, rice balls, croquette balls, false eye balls, real eye
balls, great balls of fire, pig balls, dog balls, goat balls, monkey balls, snow balls, you name it and some human somewhere will collect it without a doubt.
Old songs, old musical instruments, old stories, legends, tales, sagas, old poems, clichés, sayings, tropes, tips, truisms, pithy remarks, old jokes, witticisms, euphemisms, proverbs, irregular verbs, old scrolls, epithets,
soubriquets, duets, minuets, old quotes, old notes, Hell, even old boats!
You can’t name nothing a human won’t keep: dirty words, new words, even used up old words. You ever hear of a crap-noggler? Well, back when the first humans still lived in caves, they needed someone to go around
cleaning up all the crap in the cave so others at night wouldn’t step on it. The smell can be just something awful when crap is stirred up. So that’s why they needed lots of crap-nogglers. ‘Crap-noggling, on the other hand, was
about something else. If all you do is pick up do-do all day long, so you can throw it outside for the wolves and bears, pretty soon you get to notice things like some craps are bigger than others, a lot bigger. So you begin to
wonder about that and among others things you come up with a new word, ‘crap-ogling.’ Way down the road later, that kind of wondering leads to the study of philosophy, which a lotta humans still think is a whole load of
crap…see what I mean?
Well, all that also applies to old books filled with old stories. The average human can’t resist ‘em. Especially old bible stories. Somebody, probably some crap-noggler somewhere, for some ditzy reason, makes up a whole load
of crap about birth, life and death and starts telling everyone else all about it, because he’s tired of shoveling their shit out of the cave. Before you know it, everybody else is talking about it, telling their kids and their kids’ kids,
and so on, down through the centuries. Eventually, nobody any more remembers how it all started with a load of crap, shoveled out by some old crap-noggler and that’s when all you got left is ‘religion.’ Unfortunately, some
new crap nogglers start to spread that around all over the planet until religion is such a big load of crap that it starts to break up and fall apart from its own dead weight. Then, all the humans start to get mad at each other
because they think their religious crap doesn’t stink but everybody else’s does. At first they just argue about it, but when nothing ever gets settled, they begin to fight over it in a really crappy way, and that’s how the humans
invented war…which is really sad, because it costs a lot of money, time, effort, and blood over what really just started from a whole bunch of crap…